My friend Jeremy has a great policy: If you’re going to call in sick to work, make it something your boss will be too scared or embarrassed to question. He has used “I have to get my lung drained” on multiple occasions. The response is usually, “Oh God, take as much time as you need.” BINGO. Here are some more suggestions. Try them out and let me know how they worked for you.
- Organ rejections. “My body is rejecting the pig aorta I got when I was 17. Did you know I had a heart defect that caused me to need a pig aorta? Anyway, this rejection thing usually just lasts about 24 hours. I’ll be in tomorrow.”
- Anything you can contract from an animal – Cat Scratch Fever, Squirrel itch, Monkey Pox, Canine Nausea. Two of those are real.
- Choose any African or Asian country/city and add flu to it. Try, “My doctor says I have the Kinshasa Flu. He’s not sure how long it lasts but I’m definitely contagious.” Other possibilities are Mongolian, Guyanese, and Cambodian.
- Any previously eradicated disease works extremely well as long as you don’t go with something people know about like Polio or Small Pox. Some good examples are Whooping Cough, The Yaws (terrifying name), Diphtheria and Typhoid (Typhus). You can even have fun and make some up. Here are some favorites: Gapping Craw, Cranial Flenitus, Lymphatic Asynchronaeity, and Juniper Circle. They might ask what these are, but as long as you answer, “you don’t wanna know,” you should be in the clear.
- Emergency Circumcision (male or female use is permitted). If you can bring yourself to use it, it’s the best. It’ll probably get you a whole week NQA (no questions asked). Just hope that when you return to work, your boss was able to keep a secret.
- Food poisoning. I know this is obvious, but it helps a lot if you say HOW you got it. “I can’t come in today because I had some fried oysters at Bennigans then went over to The Sizzler for all you can eat brie sticks. I’ve been on the toilet all night.” Specificity is the name of the game for this one. In fact, if you provide enough details, your boss might just hang up on you. Have fun at the baseball game.
- Anything to do with the brain. The brain is mysterious and strikes enough fear in people that they want to stop talking about it immediately. Try these: Synaptual Incongruity, Hemisphereitis, Brain Spots.
- Any syndrome named after a person: You can make these up. Try Jarreau Syndrome. Then when you hang up the phone start singing Al Jarreau (just as celebration of your day off). Might I suggest the lyrics, “does anyone wanna go dancin’ on the ceiling? Does anyone wanna go dancin’ on the roof?”
- Any emotion combined with a body part is weird enough to illicit zero questions. Excitable Neck or Sad Foot might work.
Sorry, I’m just making shit up now. Enjoy a day off. It’s on me (and Jeremy)
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