Day 216: 3 Minutes Inside My Head

It’s only fair after yesterday, right? All names have been changed to protect the innocent.

  1. Why hasn’t Chris emailed me back?
  2. Shark week is stupid.
  3. I think I’ll go downstairs and watch Shark Week.
  4. I’m hungry.
  5. I wanna play with my phone.
  6. I wanna buy something.
  7. Why hasn’t Henry emailed me back? He hates me.
  8. Oh God, my phone is ringing. Who died?
  9. I should tweet that.
  10. I want cereal and coffee, but I can’t because it’s 4pm.
  11. I hate rules.
  12. Rules make me feel safe.
  13. My phone makes me feel safe.
  14. Why hasn’t Greg emailed me back?
  15. Does anyone ever email anyone back?
  16. I have never been this tired in my life.
  17. Caleb is doing Conan? Kill me.
  18. I could do Conan if I tried.
  19. I love my family so much. I’m so lucky.
  20. I wish I could go see a movie by myself.
  21. No one reads my blog. It’s probably because I call it a blog.
  22. I should tweet that. No that’s stupid.
  23. I’m doing everything wrong.
  24. I need cool glasses.
  25. Beard?
  26. Where’s my phone?
  27. I should check my Facebook notifications.
  28. I don’t think I have ever liked a pair of shoes.
  29. I wanna do high school over again.
  30. I’m starving.
  31. Why do I feel too old to eat fun things?
  32. I should tweet that.
  33. Why isn’t anyone retweeting me?
  34. This is no way for a grown man to live his life.
  35. I love my wife.
  36. Oh shit, here she comes.
  37. We would all be happier in L.A.
  38. I think a new computer would help me do all this work.
  39. I’m too old to start anything.
  40. I haven’t farted in days.
  41. You know what I need? A new shirt. That always changes my attitude.
  42. Yoga?
  43. I burned 300 calories at the gym and put them all back in via that Frappucino I had at Target.
  44. Everything is falling apart.
  45. I’m talented.
  46. I need a new manager.
  47. Why hasn’t Pete emailed me back?
  48. Everyone hates me.
  49. I’m really cool.
  50. Oh man, that was a really depressing exercise. I should probably be in therapy.

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here http://bit.ly/1exfm34. Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

11 comments On Day 216: 3 Minutes Inside My Head

  • I laughed so hard my 5 yr old said to my husband ‘mommies noises are scaring me’ and my husband agreed. Then my 3 yr old peed on herself.

  • Loving your blog! Haven't laughed so hard in weeks! My phone rang while I was reading it and when I answered, my friend said, "Are you okay? You sound like you're crying!" and I had to tell her it was from reading this blog and laughing so hard. :-P

  • Marieka Freestar

    thx 4 sharing

    gosh our brains are CRAZY

    oh, my baby just awoke from his nap…

  • Love it.

    Also, regarding #46 – What's wrong with your current manger? Is baby Jesus sleeping in it?

  • I love this one. I can relate all too well. Blathering nonsense of the mind.

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