Day 215: Approximately 3 Minutes Inside The Head of My 2 Year Old

by Jason Good on August 7, 2011

in 365°,Parenting and Kids

Each of these “emotions” lasts about 3 seconds.
  1. I wanna play with Daddy’s phone.
  2. I wanna put on Mommy’s shoes.
  3. GET MOMMY’S SHOES OFF MY FEET NOW!
  4. I wanna open and close the thermostat.
  5. I wanna turn on and off the light on the microwave.
  6. Is there anyone here with a phone I haven’t played with yet?
  7. I NEED TO PUSH SOME GODDAMN BUTTONS.
  8. I wanna pick up the cat by its head.
  9. I wanna throw all the toothbrushes in the sink.
  10. HOLY SHIT I’M STARVING.
  11. CHEDDAR BUNNIES.
  12. I HATE FRUIT.
  13. I want out of my chair.
  14. I wanna play with the iPad.
  15. I wanna go outside. No, I wanna turn the heat on.
  16. I wanna take my pants off.
  17. I don’t like the shirt I’m wearing.
  18. I wanna play with Mommy’s phone.
  19. I NEED TO PUSH MORE BUTTONS NOW.
  20. I’m thirsty.
  21. No, not for that.
  22. Yes, perfect, juicebox. I’m gonna squeeze this damn thing all over myself.
  23. Where’s Daddy?
  24. Where’s the cat?
  25. Where’s Mommy?
  26. SERIOUSLY WHERE’S MOMMY!?
  27. Oh my God I think Mommy left forever.
  28. Ok, there’s mommy. I want to play with her phone.
  29. Hungry again. Never mind.
  30. I just remembered not liking these pants. Get them off.
  31. STOP TAKING OFF MY PANTS!
  32. Wow, I’m starving. I want peas but I don’t know how to tell anyone.
  33. Finally, peas. I like throwing these.
  34. WHY DO I STILL HAVE THESE PANTS ON?
  35. Oh look, a new person. I wonder if they have a phone.
  36. I’m tired.
  37. I’M NOT TIRED!
  38. I wanna go for a walk but I don’t wanna go outside.
  39. No, not inside either!
  40. I need to push some buttons right now.
  41. I hate this diaper.
  42. My eyes itch.
  43. WOW! Is this my toe?
  44. STOP TRYING TO TAKE MY PANTS OFF!
  45. I hate these pants.
  46. This shirt itches.
  47. I’m tired.
  48. Stop asking me if I’m tired.
  49. Where’s that toy that goes beep?
  50. I wanna take a bath in my clothes.
  51. Put on my favorite song.
  52. Where’s the cat?
  53. What is UP with my shirt?
  54. Did I just hear a dog bark?
  55. YOU DID NOT JUST TRY TO TAKE OFF MY SHIRT AGAIN!
  56. I wanna see a dog.
  57. No, not OUTSIDE! I wanna see a dog inside.
  58. Is my penis still there? Good.
  59. I peed.
  60. I’m bored.
Repeat.
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  • fayelle

    I seriously just laughed so hard, I’m crying. Because it’s so true!!

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  • http://cricketschirp4.blogspot.com Brittany White

    This was HILARIOUS!!! I have a 3 1/2 yr old son, a 2 yr old daughter and a 10M old daughter. This describes my busy, adventurous, strong willed kiddos to a T!
    Oh and by the way, to the chick that said her toddler is not like this. They are right, your kid is a robot ;)

  • Crystal

    This was HILARIOUS! My son (who will be 2 in Feb) will wake up totally soaked sometimes, and his pajama pants are wet. And he’ll be saying “Wet! Wet!” So then I take off his pants and he starts yelling “My pants!!!! MY PANTS!!!!!!!”

    • Kaydee

      My little one is the SAME way, hollers at me to change him then freaks out when I take his clothes off! Too funny ;)

  • http://www.dejavuaffair.co.uk Lou

    I laughed so hard I almost suffocated.

  • kim

    laughed so hard i cried. this is my two year old to a T!!!!

  • http://daughterdaughter.blogspot.com erin

    thank you. so timely. and hilarious. and exactly what i need to share with every other parent i know.

  • cassie

    This is BS two year olds are so much smarter than this mine is poddy trained and doesn’t do any of this maybe one or two but the others are jst dumb its like u all are making fun of your children. Well news flash they know exactly what your saying and they know what they want and don’t want I don’t think this is funny at all and I don’t think ur two year old would either its an insult

    • Kayla

      ha ha ha. yeah Jason ;P lmao. better not let your two year old read these “insults”. I know you get shit for your typo’s but at least you don’t write like this lady.

    • Lint71

      He rounded up in age, it was the later part of still being one years old.

    • adam

      Fuck you Cassie. Your two year olds are robots.

    • Crystal

      What exactly is being ‘poddy’ trained? And holy run-on sentence Batman.

      • Kaelynn

        ….coming from someone who cant spell “potty”.

    • Vanessa

      And good luck trying to teach your kids to read, genius. Poddy? You know there is actually a Y and an O in “you” right? It’s not just a letter? That’s right: “just” a letter. Grow a sense of humor. And a spell check. And possibly some punctuation.

    • susan

      spelling! – it’s POTTY – not PODDY – sharpen up for your kid’s sake

    • Sarah

      There is no insult intended here. It’s just funny. Yes, my 2 year old was potty trained too, but unless they are zoning out in front of the tv, they are busy. This is literally how a 2 year olds brain works. He just interpreted his version. You get that right?

    • Keri

      Yeah everyone else said it, but I can’t get over it, so I’ll say it…LOL really?! your kid is poDDy trained? that must be impressive, I don’t think my daughter has any intention of ever being poDDy trained….then again her parents can spell;) Secondly, how long did it take you to beat your kids into that kind of submission, honestly? My daughter just turned 9 months old and this is ALREADY my life, she’s nuts, and guess what? (Keep in mind, this is YOUR “news flash”:D) I let her. That’s what kids do. She’s out of her little freakin mind and every second of her mindless, crazy exploration adventure is good for her and completely hilarious. Ok…the baby powder all over the changing room (which, FYI, is my CLOSET!) wasn’t so funny when it happened, but still! I laugh now!

    • Christa

      Learn how to spell and punctuate! Someone might take you seriously for a change. Kids are ALIVE! Mine is 14 and she’s still like this. We have a GREAT time!!! Brought back many hilarious memories!

  • Anonymous

    This shit is the shit

  • http://confessionsofabipolarfaerie.typepad.com/blog/ Roxanne

    OMG!! This is hilarious … reminds me of when my boys were that age … Ya gotta like those terrible twos!

  • http://www.mommyslittlemonsterblake.com Carri

    This is HILARIOUS! I also find it ironic that I stumbled across it while doing the “I wanna watch Cars! No! Jungle Junction! NO CARS! TURN IT OFF! JUNGLE JUNCTION!” bit with my two year old.

  • Mimi

    I just spent 9 days caring for my grandson who is two — Daughter and SIL were in Hawaii. THIS HAD ME CRYING FROM LAUGHING SO DANG HARD! You are very funny….. ( just read your 3 minutes in my head) so make note — I will be one of those reading your blog!

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  • Benni

    I’d love to see a part two to this.

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  • Amanda Snyder

    Hahahhaha the conversation right now mommy more juice juice…..
    “You havent touch your food yet so no more,”
    “Mommmmmy peas peas peas mor juice,” my two year old begs.

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  • Amy

    When my 4 year-old walked over and asked why I was laughing so hard I tried to share a little moment by reading out loud. By number 8 she wrinkled her nose and walked out without a word!
    Oh well!!

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  • http://www.wir-mit-kind.de Marc

    I just translated the first 12 emotions into German and put them on my blog, I hope you don’t mind.

  • http://www.littlemissmadamandthesunshineduke.blogspot.com Alex

    Oh my this is sooo funny, especially if you have a 2 year old boy like I do!

  • AL

    Hillarious!

  • https://www.facebook.com/christinatimberlake Christina Timberlake

    With Mommy comments beneath…

    1.I want to play with Daddy’s phone.
    No, you can’t play with Daddy’s phone.
    2.I wanna put on Mommy’s shoes.
    Be careful in those shoes, they’re on the wrong feet.
    3.GET MOMMY’S SHOES OFF MY FEET NOW!
    Are you going to walk funny when you get older because of this?
    4.I wanna open and close the thermostat.
    Don’t touch that! No!
    5.I wanna turn on and off the light on the microwave.
    Don’t touch that! No! Wait, is the microwave exposing you to radiation?
    6.Is there anyone here with a phone I haven’t played with yet?
    What is the matter?
    7.I NEED TO PUSH SOME GODDAMN BUTTONS.
    WHAT DO YOU WANT?
    8.I wanna pick up the cat by its head.
    No! Be niiiiice to the kitty.
    9.I wanna throw all the toothbrushes in the sink.
    Well at least you put the toothbrushes in the sink and not in the toilet like last time.
    10.HOLY SHIT I’M STARVING.
    Geezes, what the hell’s wrong with you? Oh, here…
    11.CHEDDAR BUNNIES.
    I am a bad mother for feeding you cheddar bunnies for lunch.
    12.I HATE FRUIT.
    I can be redeemed if I can get you to eat some banana.
    13.I want out of my chair.
    Okay! Okay! Do you want down? Geezuz.
    14.I wanna play with the iPad.
    Nooooo you CANNOT play with the iPad. I don’t know why your Dad got that damn thing ayway. And why did he leave it out where you can get it?
    15.I wanna go outside. No, I wanna turn the heat on.
    No, you can’t go outside without your shoes on. Don’t touch that!
    16.I wanna take my pants off.
    Why are you taking your pants off?
    17.I don’t like the shirt I’m wearing.
    Is that shirt itchy?
    18.I wanna play with Mommy’s phone.
    No! Don’t touch mommy’s phone!… “Hello?”… Who did you call?
    19.I NEED TO PUSH MORE BUTTONS NOW.
    STOP SCREAMING!
    20.I’m thirsty.
    Here. Here’s your sippy cup. Stick this in your piehole.
    21.No, not for that.
    Oh, come on!
    22.Yes, perfect, juicebox. I’m gonna squeeze this damn thing all over myself.
    Here… but don’t squee…. Geezus.
    23.Where’s Daddy?
    Where is your father?
    24.Where’s the cat?
    The cat is hiding somewhere. Cats are smart.
    25.Where’s Mommy?
    How long can I hide in this closet before it’s considered abandonedment?
    26.SERIOUSLY WHERE’S MOMMY!?
    It’s so dark and quiet in here. Reminds me of my first apartment.
    27.Oh my God I think Mommy left forever.
    I’m never coming out.
    28.Ok, there’s mommy. I want to play with her phone.
    Damnit.
    29.Hungry again. Never mind.
    What do you want, now?
    30.I just remembered not liking these pants. Get them off.
    Is your diaper wet?
    31.STOP TAKING OFF MY PANTS!
    COME HERE!
    32.Wow, I’m starving. I want peas but I don’t know how to tell anyone.
    Maybe if I stop feeding you, you’ll slow down.
    33.Finally, peas. I like throwing these.
    I’m so glad I cooked these peas so you can throw them on the floor. Thank you.
    34.WHY DO I STILL HAVE THESE PANTS ON?
    What the hell is wrong with your goddamn pants?
    35.Oh look, a new person. I wonder if they have a phone.
    A Jehovah’s Witness! Get the F&*%$ off my porch!
    36.I’m tired.
    I’m exhausted.
    37.I’M NOT TIRED!
    You’re sooooo tired.
    38.I wanna go for a walk but I don’t wanna go outside.
    I thought you wanted to take a walk?
    39.No, not inside either!
    Just kill me.
    40.I need to push some buttons right now.
    Here, take my phone.
    41.I hate this diaper.
    I could buy a new purse if I stopped buying diapers.
    42.My eyes itch.
    You’re rubbing your eyes! YESSSSS!
    43.WOW! Is this my toe?
    What if you’re retarded?
    44.STOP TRYING TO TAKE MY PANTS OFF!
    Maybe we’ll start potty training today!
    45.I hate these pants.
    Are all kids like this or is it just YOU?
    46.This shirt itches.
    Are you tired?
    47.I’m tired.
    I think you’re tired.
    48.Stop asking me if I’m tired.
    Oooh, maybe I’ll take a nap when you nap!
    49.Where’s that toy that goes beep?
    That mother f&*^%$ing toy is going to Goodwill today!
    50.I wanna take a bath in my clothes.
    I need a massage.
    51.Put on my favorite song.
    How about we play a song that doesn’t make me homicidal?
    52.Where’s the cat?
    Where’s the nanny?
    53.What is UP with my shirt?
    I hate those rich bitches who have nannies.
    54.Did I just hear a dog bark?
    Is that mother f*&^%$ing Jehovahs Witness back again?
    55.YOU DID NOT JUST TRY TO TAKE OFF MY SHIRT AGAIN!
    I thought you wanted to take a bath!?!?
    56.I wanna see a dog.
    I hope that dog is eating the Witnesses.
    57.No, not OUTSIDE! I wanna see a dog inside.
    GET YOUR ASS BACK IN THE TUB!
    58.Is my penis still there? Good.
    It was a penis that caused all this. I HATE your father.
    59.I peed.
    Don’t drink your bathwater! Oh, hell. Drink it. I don’t care.
    60.I’m bored.
    I hate your father.

    • http://www.jasongood.net Jason Good

      HILARIOUS…. thank you

    • Anonymous

      Glad you aren’t my mom! Your responses are not even funny, they’re sad and horrible. The blog post is hilarious, though.

      • http://www.fleeingmuses.blogspot.com Tamara

        LOVE, love love it, and the mom’s responses. My 11 month old is already like this. I’m scaaaared. And anonymous? Seriously? Are you a parent?

        • http://www.lauraek.net laura k

          I’m pretty sure Anonymous doesn’t even know any parents.

      • VoodooVal

        Anonymous either isn’t a parent, doesn’t have parents or is the worst denial possible and completely lying to him/herself.

      • Kimberly

        Anonymous – those responses were almost spot on. You must not be a parent. My little man is only 6 months and I already know he will be like that. Ugh.

        Jason and Christina – too funny

      • Rachel

        Are you kidding? That was funny! I agree with the others–do you even have any kids??

      • Mel

        you are so wrong and obviously do not and should never have children. I have a 2 year old and a 3 year old and this is exactly how it feels sometimes, all the time, most of the time, I dunno

    • Saara

      Those responses are HILARIOUS!!!!!! The initial blog post is just as funny!

    • sherri

      OMG. Were you reading my mind when you answered lol. I have twin boy/girl that are 2!!!

    • Anonymous

      Omg I love mommy responses

      • https://www.facebook.com/#!/mamatha.reddy mamred

        The original was hilarious but the mommy responses made it priceless!

    • http://reneesancesage.tumblr.com Reneesance

      Both the original post and your responses had me in tears thanks!

    • Megan G

      This is a transcript of 3 minutes in my life…

      • Heather H

        LOVE this!!!! I raised 3 girls… Two are adults. They really do make it past that stage but that was some of the most challenging times in my life!!! LOL Thanks for sharing and love the Mommy Responses.

    • nicole

      That was perfect! Thanks for making me laugh even harder!

    • Lisa

      I don’t have kids so I really only got a few chuckles from the original blog post, but as someone who has little patience with children, I really enjoyed the mommy responses! Those would definitely be the things running through my mind. And for the person who had a cow over the mommy comments–dude, chill, she didn’t say she was beating the kid. Oh, and learn grammar, punctuation, and how to spell before your kid needs help with homework. You’re clearly a dumbass.

    • http://socialmedia.vonyoung.com Yvonne Y.

      OMG this was priceless. I loved the original post, but this was toooooo funny.

    • Paige

      I just discovered this blog – at 3:00am – and reading this post dis NOT cure mu insomnia. I laughed so hard that I awakened my husband. Hilarious!! And the commentary from the mother is spot on. Anyone who says otherwise is deluded.

    • Yael

      You’re my hero!

      • luvbnamommy

        I’m a young mom and not only is the original statements spot on about my lil man but moms response is spot on as well. Great job! Oh I love the last one I hate your father made me laugh even harder because even though I love my kids dad that is absolutely something that has gone through my mind as I’m picking up my house (or trying to) an I notice how much daddy has helped in the making of the mess. apparently its funny to leave your wife with the kids an a house that looks like a tornado went through it an go hang out with other juvenile males who think its a women’s sole duty to be a house wife. cook clean an pamper. anyway gone on long enough. you all can feel free to make fun of my reply. Anyway Christina your my new mommy hero

    • Keri

      ok ok, the first one was funny, the one with mommy comments? Now *I* cried and almost peed and may have farted and I’m NOT pregnant:P Too damned funny, there’s at least a few I can count and now I have to go take the remote from my daughter cause she figured out how to bite the volume button and fraggle rock should NOT be that loud!

    • Judy

      This is genius!! So, so funny. I am a 46 yo mom of a 6, 12, and 16 year old…2 boys, one girl (middle, girl). I am so glad I don’t have toddlers anymore. As cute and adorable as they were, I would rather have my smelly, zitty “whatever” saying 16 yo any day. I least then I can go to the store alone and leave him with the other two. Anonymous must be one of those “school will break my kid’s spirit” parents who “unschool.” No fun

    • Mommyof2

      hahahahah HILARIOUS!!! This really sounds like a ‘mom’, hubby & I agree it’s so us, well mostly me when the hubs isn’t giving me a hand or playing on his ps3 while I’m going nuts with the kids lol anyways, GREAT JOB!!! :D

      • workinmama

        OH, you just made my day. My co-pant wearing partner works a crazy schedule and after a weekend where he worked all day and overnight Friday, we spent Saturday in the ER (18 month old’s ear infection burst the ear drum), he worked Sunday and then Monday he was all day and overnight again. This was pretty much the inside of my head by Tuesday morning.

  • Subway Mom

    Ammmmmmazzzzzing!!! I love it!!! Especially the pants off… Pants on sequence. That’s my son in a nutshell. :D He’s now also developed a morbid hate towards the potty/ diaper changes. If it were up to him he’d stay in the same diaper for life!! Yuuuuck!

  • http://shitmykidsays.blogspot.com Kat

    I just found you through a friend on Facebook. By about #53, I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.

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  • CVTMommy

    I have to say that since one of my friends introduce me to your blog, I have to check it everyday. I finally printed this particular one out to put on the fridge.
    (Except my 2-year old just took all the paper out of the printer…)

  • CVTMommy

    A conversation between my 2-year old and the cat this morning (my interpretation):
    Here kitty have my toast. Here kitty have my toast. Here kitty have my toast. Here kitty have my toast.Here kitty have my toast.Here kitty have my toast.Here kitty have my toast.
    MOMMY! THE KITTY TOOK MY TOAST!
    Repeat….

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  • Chaya V

    completely accurate LAUGHED OUT LOUD DURING ALMOST ALL OF THAT!

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  • kellie

    Oh my gosh! I have a 2 1/2 year old son and I was crying b/c I was laughing so hard. Thank you for the comic relief.

  • Betty Patterson

    I work in a daycare /preschool. Imagine all these thoughts times 30 or 40 depending on the day!! It’s a slice of heaven. Seriously! I love seeing how the development of the children takes place. There are NO MEN in daycare. Men couldn’t take it!!

    • Jeff

      Stereotype much? I’m male, and I worked in daycare (2-3 year olds) for nearly 5 years. Not only could I “take it”, I loved it. I eventually became a psychotherapist partly as a result of this experience, but working with adolescents. You think daycare/preschool is something? Try adolescents…and see if you can take it. :)

      • K.

        Bravo, Jeff!

      • Lina

        Thanks, Jeff! As a woman, I am SO SICK of other women bashing men!

        • Benn

          Thanks Lina,

          As a man, it’s nice to know that woman who think like you in this regard are out there. There always seems to be a “dude” or a “chick” ready to lay down a gender fence.

          • Keri

            LOL my daughters daddy was the ONLY one who could calm her down when she was younger and had colic and reflux, so go ahead and tell me again how men can’t handle it? Sorry your hubby is that worthless:)

    • Andrew

      I hope all the children you teach don’t end up with archaic ideas of gender roles like yours.

      • Heather

        Go Andrew!

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  • http://www.sacredbeingwriter.wordpress.com Cory Clay

    This was such a reminder and a relief for me. My oldest daughter is the mother of my first grandchild. He turned 2 in April and man! I had forgotten what it takes to be the keeper of a child at this stage of development! We were in Walmart and I had to do the infamous “Toy Snatch” while we were at the checkout counter.
    My grandson let loose a scream that sounded like a sonic boom! Of course everyone turned around to give us the “judgment stare” and make ape faces!
    LOL!
    Thanks for posting this!

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  • http://www.blogdiablo3.org/ diablo 3

    This can be a matter near to my heart cheers, exactly where are your speak to particulars even though?

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  • Andrew

    Our 2 year old and yours must be emailing or twittering or whatever the hell it is that kids do these days. Except our little guy has a hard time with personal pronouns, in that he says “you” and “your” when he means “me” and “my” (probably because, you know, that’s what he hears when we talk to him). This can range from cute, to confusing, to disgusting (“You did a big caca”), to borderline disturbing (“your penis is getting bigger and bigger and bigger”). The latter example he likes to say while he’s sitting on the toilet, but with the bathroom window open so the rest of the apartment building can share in his potty-time fun. One of these days someone is going to overhear that and Daddy will be going away for a looooong time.

    • Aspie mom

      My son also did the pronoun reversing thing, starting around age 2. We were not aware of this at the time and thought it was a phase he’d grow out of, but it is actually one of the signs of an autism spectrum disorder. I am not trying to freak you out or to say that your son is necessarily autistic just because of the reversed pronouns, but just wanted you to keep your eyes open since early internvention makes such a huge difference for kids on the spectrum.

      • Jeff

        Aspie mom is correct….but it’s also a common major stumbling block in learning language.

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  • ennifer

    Omg dude thts awesome! My sons 14 months n it’s already like that. Lmao. And I’m due ant day now w my second. Ahhhhh I can’t wait. Its gna b times two.

    • Anonymous

      Our kids are 14mos apart(2yrs 6 mo and 1 yr 4 mo)…its not times two, its times 100

      • http://www.couponjourneys.blogspot.com Sylvia

        My boys are 13 months apart, and I second the x100!

  • Stacy

    3 minutes inside the head of my 12 year old
    1 I’m starving do we have any food?
    2 Can I have a burrito?
    3 Are you coming to my soccer game?
    4 My cleats are so awesome.
    5 I better clean my cleats.
    6 Do we have any walkie talkies?
    7 Why do you blame me for everything?
    8 I am starving.
    9 Mom, are you going to eat your meatball?
    10 Can I have your meatball?
    11 I did not watch South Park on your phone.
    12 If there is a sleep away camp in South Park, can I go?
    13 I got to go poo.
    14 I am going to explode if we don’t get home soon. I really got to poo.
    15 Did you use my manpoo? (manpoo is the shampoo for men you bought me)
    16 Can you help me choose clothes?
    17 Can you help me with my hair?
    18 What’s for dinner?
    19 I always have salads for lunch at the cafeteria.
    20 I need privacy.
    21 Can I play on your phone?
    22 I need new soccer cleats.
    23 My soccer ball is dirty.
    24 I will go to college after I win the World Cup.
    25 Will you move to Barcelona with me?
    26 She is not my girlfriend.
    27 I’m just taking this jar of pickles outside for a snack.
    28 Mom, why do you have to talk to people?
    29

    • Stacy

      I accidentally hit “submit” at 29 when my 12 year old jumped on me during the Michigan Notre Dame game.

      • Petronka

        HAHA you nailed it! preteens, can’t live with ‘em….i think that’s the whole saying in their case (oops, bad mommy ;) !!

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  • Alex

    I LOVE THIS!!!

    This could also be the thought process of a 25 yr old drunken male. LOL

    :)

    • anita

      True!!!!!

      • http://facebook venkat

        no

  • Jenifer sanderfer

    WRITE ONE FOR A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!(a girl baby)

  • http://fffleur-de-lys.blogspot.com/ Franziska

    LOL (although I have the slight suspicion that it might be more LOL reading than experiencing it as a parent who lives through all the minutes before and after these two)!

    smiles,
    Franziska

    • Anonymous

      Awesomeo

  • http://niken6189.blogspot.com nikskie

    just read this and feeling entertained.

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