Day 215: Approximately 3 Minutes Inside The Head of My 2 Year Old

Each of these “emotions” lasts about 3 seconds.

  1. I wanna play with Daddy’s phone.
  2. I wanna put on Mommy’s shoes.
  3. GET MOMMY’S SHOES OFF MY FEET NOW!
  4. I wanna open and close the thermostat.
  5. I wanna turn on and off the light on the microwave.
  6. Is there anyone here with a phone I haven’t played with yet?
  7. I NEED TO PUSH SOME GODDAMN BUTTONS.
  8. I wanna pick up the cat by its head.
  9. I wanna throw all the toothbrushes in the sink.
  10. HOLY SHIT I’M STARVING.
  11. CHEDDAR BUNNIES.
  12. I HATE FRUIT.
  13. I want out of my chair.
  14. I wanna play with the iPad.
  15. I wanna go outside. No, I wanna turn the heat on.
  16. I wanna take my pants off.
  17. I don’t like the shirt I’m wearing.
  18. I wanna play with Mommy’s phone.
  19. I NEED TO PUSH MORE BUTTONS NOW.
  20. I’m thirsty.
  21. No, not for that.
  22. Yes, perfect, juicebox. I’m gonna squeeze this damn thing all over myself.
  23. Where’s Daddy?
  24. Where’s the cat?
  25. Where’s Mommy?
  26. SERIOUSLY WHERE’S MOMMY!?
  27. Oh my God I think Mommy left forever.
  28. Ok, there’s mommy. I want to play with her phone.
  29. Hungry again. Never mind.
  30. I just remembered not liking these pants. Get them off.
  31. STOP TAKING OFF MY PANTS!
  32. Wow, I’m starving. I want peas but I don’t know how to tell anyone.
  33. Finally, peas. I like throwing these.
  34. WHY DO I STILL HAVE THESE PANTS ON?
  35. Oh look, a new person. I wonder if they have a phone.
  36. I’m tired.
  37. I’M NOT TIRED!
  38. I wanna go for a walk but I don’t wanna go outside.
  39. No, not inside either!
  40. I need to push some buttons right now.
  41. I hate this diaper.
  42. My eyes itch.
  43. WOW! Is this my toe?
  44. STOP TRYING TO TAKE MY PANTS OFF!
  45. I hate these pants.
  46. This shirt itches.
  47. I’m tired.
  48. Stop asking me if I’m tired.
  49. Where’s that toy that goes beep?
  50. I wanna take a bath in my clothes.
  51. Put on my favorite song.
  52. Where’s the cat?
  53. What is UP with my shirt?
  54. Did I just hear a dog bark?
  55. YOU DID NOT JUST TRY TO TAKE OFF MY SHIRT AGAIN!
  56. I wanna see a dog.
  57. No, not OUTSIDE! I wanna see a dog inside.
  58. Is my penis still there? Good.
  59. I peed.
  60. I’m bored.
  61. Repeat
Buy My Book!

Indiebound

B&N

iBooks

Amazon



Share This Post

Previous post:

Next post:

Cara says:

I can't stop reading this! I have a 2 year old boy and man is this ever dead-on and damned funny!

Emily says:

That is probably the most accurate and hilarious thing I have ever read in my life. OMG. Don't let uptight religious people try to crash you. They pop up everywhere and

aren't able to cope with people that are different than themselves.

Good response.

Anonymous says:

I am a Christian and firmly believe Jesus would laugh out loud about this!

Anonymous says:

I agree, except for the wording of #7, God's last name is NOT DAMN!!!!!

Jason Good says:

Is his last name Feinstein?

Melissa Sullivan says:

This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. It describes my 22 month old perfectly.

Beth says:

I'm just screwed in about 10 months, aren't I?

I say that, thinking about my sweet & mellow 9 month old…

Anonymous says:

I had one of those about exactly 10 months ago – now all hell is breaking loose! enjoy it while you can :)

BLove says:

Goddamn that was funny! Sorry just could not help my self. My son is 7 and daughter is 15 mo. And I never knew little girls grab their "wee wee" just as much as little boys! Cheddar bunnies! Lol awesome!

Anonymous says:

God's last name is not DAMN!!!!!

Anonymous says:

Since when?

Anonymous says:

no, it's his middle name!

Dianna says:

Ahhh, thank you! I can now explain to everyone else, who either doesn't have a 2 y.o or doesn't remember what it's like, why I think I'm going insane sometimes!

Teh Cake says:

Dana's comment makes me lol. So does your post. Good work!

Dana says:

This started off funny. Sadly, when I hit #7, I was disappointed in your poor choice of words however amusing you may have thought it to be. God's last name is not 'Damn.' The inclusion of your selected phrase did nothing to enhance your meaning. Why do comedians automatically think that cursing (and worse, taking the Lord's name in vain) makes their joke funnier. I urge you to re-read your work omitting the derogatory references to God. You'll find your original meaning doesn't change. However, your audience just might grow.

Anonymous says:

I cannot believe people take the word damn as an offense

Teh Cake says:

I think it's more the "taking the lord's name in vain" thing. That said, I do agree that it is pretty silly.

Jesi says:

Your god may not be everyone's god and there are plenty of gods out there that can damn things.

kepoole says:

Youre right, everyones God may not be the same God, BUT we can all still respect the fact that SOME people still have good values in this day in age, and when it comes to MY two year old, we DONT use derogatory words and shes still extremely hilarious without them. Grow up and be respectful and include EVERYONE instead of weeding out those who might get offended a little easier than others.

JayCee says:

Well, *I'm* offended at the insinuation that someone who who uses words like "goddamn," which is generally considered innocuous, automatically does not have good values! Do you also believe that someone who doesn't believe in god at all does not have good values (I'll bet you do)? I think it's more important to live a good life, laugh, and teach kids to be honest and kind than to nitpick and worry over words that may or may not offend a small segment of society.

JayCee says:

I would add here, that the writer used the word "goddamn" in a humorous article. That does not mean that he uses the word at home with his children.

Anonymous says:

I don't believe in God, so keep the damnation coming!

Anonymous says:

Being respectful does not mean censoring every word that comes out of your mouth to avoid offending the thin-skinned. Not everyone shares your worldview. Grow up. Get over it.

Anonymous says:

You should probably just get off the internet for good, lock the doors on house from the inside and never come out just to make sure you or your child will never be offended again!

Jason Good says:

Dana,

Since you urged me, and I truly appreciate being "urged," I've re-read my work very carefully, and made the thought-out decision to leave it as is. One of the primary comedic aspects of this post is that it's written in my voice. Yes, it's my child's thoughts, but through the filter of my brain. I am the one who added goddammit, not him.

I urge you to reconsider your criticism of this post and respect my freedom, as an adult, to use any words I like. I would also urge you to respect my freedom as a parent to let my child say goddammit when I think he's old enough to understand how to use it. In return, I will respect your freedom to be offended by words instead of ideas.

Thank-you for your input.

Jason

Marshall says:

Well said, Jason, thanks for that response.

Anonymous says:

agreed! Also agreed with believing in God does not automatically=good values, nor does not believing in any kind of god make one have no, or bad, values. That's just ridiculous.

Joan says:

This was the funniest thing I have ever read! I have 3 grandkids who are two! Right on the mark! Keep up the great work! :)

SK says:

Your comment implies that the author chose intentionally to do something anti-religious or that he was trying to offend. That's not at all the case. In fact, this is just the way he (and most Americans) talk. Cursing does make things funnier for a lot of people. Not you, obviously, but your standard for what is offensive is not universal.

This is funny because it reflects someone's real experience, in *their* words, according to *their* values. If you want things that are funny and that don't violate *your* values, *you *should write them. Don't ask other people to write according to your values — that's just laziness.

Jason Good says:

Well said. Thanks

Theo says:

Jesus Christ, this person's goddamn sensitive!

A Friend says:

I've heard that "thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain" really means, "don't go around saying that the Lord agrees with you." In other words, don't use the Lord's name for your own vain purposes.

Makes sense to me.

Anonymous says:

He's not my "Lord" – goddamn is just another word to me.

Rahel says:

Thanks- I almost fell off the chair from laughing! :o)

Priss says:

I love this!

I have a few:

I wonder how far I can shove this up my nose???

How many of these can I fit into my mouth???

MOMMY! The dog has a penis too. (and we have to show every guest who comes over)

Anonymous says:

LOL! Too Cute… Just add,

I wonder how far I can shove this up my nose…

how many of these can I fit in my mouth…

and,

Look mommy, the dog has a penis too! (and needs to point this out to every guest who comes over!)

YaraC says:

Awesomesauce!

Though I'm a little creeped out that you have obviously been spying on our house.

Jack says:

Look! I have two handfuls of PapPap''s hair. Must be about ten in each hand. PapPap needs more hair.

Mezz6376 says:

Perfect. But with more of the #25-28 in this house. In fact, Mr. 18mths just got a diaper-spank for pushing the "on-off" button on the cable box while Daddy was watching a movie… And Daddy is the arch-nemesis.

Must admit, I LOL'ed pretty hard. So did the arch-nemesis.

mandy says:

love it! could not stop laughing! just add, "oooo electrical outlet!", "i have to hit something" and "lets do something really dangerous" and it's my 22 mo old!

chunksmommy says:

THE CONSTANT POINTING AT THINGS EVEN THOUGH NOTHING IS THERE!!!

AND I WANNA WATCH TRAIN (THOMAS THE TRAIN) NO CLUES CLUES (BLUE'S CLUES) NO I WANNA WATCH MONKEY (SPACE MONKEYS)

I WANT A CHICKEN BURGER FRIE FRIES TEA ND A COOKIE (MC DONALD'S) THE LIST GOES ON

Melissa says:

My son crys when I leave him with him, he says

I'm not coming back…he will cry

Don't leave momma… The last time he cried himself

Asleep and when I came home and tried to wake

He was sleep talking say mommy left him.

I was carrying him out side still sleep talking say it

Over and over untill He wad in his carseat then he woke

Up saying mommy you left me… It made me really sad…

Mar says:

"I need a bandaid!!" "Where'd my bandaid go?"

Holy perfect. Buttons are in high demand at our house, too. What IS it with buttons?!

Melissa says:

Lol I meant left him with dad…