Each of these “emotions” lasts about 3 seconds.
- I wanna play with Daddy’s phone.
- I wanna put on Mommy’s shoes.
- GET MOMMY’S SHOES OFF MY FEET NOW!
- I wanna open and close the thermostat.
- I wanna turn on and off the light on the microwave.
- Is there anyone here with a phone I haven’t played with yet?
- I NEED TO PUSH SOME GODDAMN BUTTONS.
- I wanna pick up the cat by its head.
- I wanna throw all the toothbrushes in the sink.
- HOLY SHIT I’M STARVING.
- CHEDDAR BUNNIES.
- I HATE FRUIT.
- I want out of my chair.
- I wanna play with the iPad.
- I wanna go outside. No, I wanna turn the heat on.
- I wanna take my pants off.
- I don’t like the shirt I’m wearing.
- I wanna play with Mommy’s phone.
- I NEED TO PUSH MORE BUTTONS NOW.
- I’m thirsty.
- No, not for that.
- Yes, perfect, juicebox. I’m gonna squeeze this damn thing all over myself.
- Where’s Daddy?
- Where’s the cat?
- Where’s Mommy?
- SERIOUSLY WHERE’S MOMMY!?
- Oh my God I think Mommy left forever.
- Ok, there’s mommy. I want to play with her phone.
- Hungry again. Never mind.
- I just remembered not liking these pants. Get them off.
- STOP TAKING OFF MY PANTS!
- Wow, I’m starving. I want peas but I don’t know how to tell anyone.
- Finally, peas. I like throwing these.
- WHY DO I STILL HAVE THESE PANTS ON?
- Oh look, a new person. I wonder if they have a phone.
- I’m tired.
- I’M NOT TIRED!
- I wanna go for a walk but I don’t wanna go outside.
- No, not inside either!
- I need to push some buttons right now.
- I hate this diaper.
- My eyes itch.
- WOW! Is this my toe?
- STOP TRYING TO TAKE MY PANTS OFF!
- I hate these pants.
- This shirt itches.
- I’m tired.
- Stop asking me if I’m tired.
- Where’s that toy that goes beep?
- I wanna take a bath in my clothes.
- Put on my favorite song.
- Where’s the cat?
- What is UP with my shirt?
- Did I just hear a dog bark?
- YOU DID NOT JUST TRY TO TAKE OFF MY SHIRT AGAIN!
- I wanna see a dog.
- No, not OUTSIDE! I wanna see a dog inside.
- Is my penis still there? Good.
- I peed.
- I’m bored.
- Repeat
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{ 257 comments… read them below or add one }
There is good reason why Rebecca @ Mommyproof included this post in her top ten list. As the mother of a two year old boy, I can relate to 59 out of 61 of the items listed here.
I seriously heart you for this post. A-freakin-MEN!
You have nailed this…We have a 3 year old(actually turned 3 in Feb). The “mommy’s phone” is my son. I can’t tell you how many apps that my wife now has on her phone that he purchased for her. Every time I pick it up, my first thought is: And just how much did that app cost me?
I’m crying AND my stomach hurts from laughing so hard. Oh the fun of raising children :)
I am CRYING!!!!!!! :)
Seriously you have met my three old and I think you seriously made my night with this your awesome!!!!
LOVE it! My almost 2 year old would agree with number 58…he checks ALL the time!
I was two once. It wasn’t like that at all.
I love it. What does it feel like to have tens of thousands of likes?
It is sad to say but this sounds very much like the things that are happening to my 87 year old mother with a few exceptions. Unfortunately, minds seem to revert back to childhood when severe dementia sets in. Deliver us all from such a fate.
Does she check to make sure her penis is still there?
OK, the original post got a smile out of me, but your post about Grandma made me laugh out loud!!! Hilarious!
Jill Troutman Bas Troutman Caroline Stophel can you relate!
very funny!
Oh boy… this is my boys 100%.
The best writing EVER!
My toddler talks. A lot. The last 3 minutes preceding lunch for my 2.5 and 1.5 year old went as follows:
I wanna be a jack-in-the-box.
I'm hungry.
I want a quesadilla.
I want to eat at the little table outside.
No, I wanna do bubbles.
Eat outside.
I'm cold.
Take my sweater off.
Eat inside at big table mommy.
Quesadilla!
I don't wanna wash my hands.
My tummy hurts.
Wanna watch Polar Express.
Not SOAP!
My SWEATER!
No, I wanna eat at the big table.
I like the orange plate.
I want the orange one.
And Polar Express.
Polar Express mommy.
I want the orange one.
I want the orange one.
Lily needs an orange one too.
I need an apple to eat my quesadilla.
The orange one!
I hate these socks.
But my socks DO go on the table.
Lily needs her milk mommy.
I need my milk.
Now that they are quietly eating their quesadillas, watching Polar Express, I decided to come back to this post so I could have a laugh and regain enough sanity to make it until nap time.
OMG LMFAO. I literally am laughing so hard I am crying right now! You have captured the pure genius of living in the moment as a 2 year old. Thanks for sharing!
HA! My fav is: "Wow! Is this my toe?" Love it.
I am 26 and this is STILL me. (There may be a touch of ADD going on here.) Mom hopes I will "grow up" with my nephew. I think she sets her goals of me too high.
Laugh til I cried. In my office. Luckily I didn't wear mascara today.
OMG I was laughing so hard I almost felt off my chair! hahaha this sounds exactly like my 2 year old son!! Brilliant , loving it! definitely forwarding many of these posts to daddy! lol XD
Love the blog post and the mommy post. Pretty much have thought and said everyone of the mommy comments. I have 2 1/2 y.o. b/g twins and this is an every day occurrance for us. Thanks for the laughs!
Brilliant. Are you sure this isn't a seventh-grader, though?
what do you mean 2 year old, i know kids of all ages that do these tyoe of things,, some of these things i can't even see a 2 year old doing, but you never know now a of days,, but i sure can and have experienced these things with my own and my grandchildren
LOL my daughters daddy was the ONLY one who could calm her down when she was younger and had colic and reflux, so go ahead and tell me again how men can't handle it? Sorry your hubby is that worthless:)
HA! If you are at work, you can't blame that fart on anyone! :P
I just found this today and am laughing my ass off. I have a 10 month old son and this is where we are headed already! Oh god what will my mental state be by the time he actually hits two ?!!!
I just came across this site for the first time today and I swear my 2 yr old either read this over my shoulder or read my mind because she has been trying to top these all day. She had some stuffed animals that were watching her take a bath and just "decided" to join her! They keep jumping in and out too, the whole bathroom is soaked! Not looking forward to my 10mo old twins doing this stuff too!
My son is 21 months and I am 33 pregnant weeks with another boy. Nobody should be this funny. I cried, peed and farted I laughed so hard. Thanks pal.
My daughter is 5 months old, my son is 2.5 years old…and I just about cried, peed and farted because I laughed so hard….and I'm at work!
"I just about cried, peed and farted because I laughed so hard….and I’m at work!"
Me too!
HA! and if you are at work you can't blame that fart on anyone!! :P
Lmfao! Between reading the above article and your comment an watching my 19 month old pick up a cell phone and run off with it has made my day completely! I'm.also pregnant due Feb and if I hadn't of just emptied my blatter I would of peed myself. Lol Thx for your honesty too!
Today was the first day my son screamed his head off at me while he had a death grip on my phone as I tried to pry his Kix soaked fingers off the damn thing. What a friggin psycho! oh, and the farting while reading was no joke, I was laughing and it just kept going and going…being pregnant can be disgusting ;)
I don't even have a kid but you made me laugh out loud. Thanks!!!
The original post and "mommy" comments were spot on. If you are a parent, you can just laugh and understand how much sense this makes and how you feel on a daily basis. Some people don't have any sense of humor, there is a reason the person put their comment as "anonymous". Really???!!
I seriously just laughed so hard, I'm crying. Because it's so true!!
That was perfect! Thanks for making me laugh even harder!
This was HILARIOUS!!! I have a 3 1/2 yr old son, a 2 yr old daughter and a 10M old daughter. This describes my busy, adventurous, strong willed kiddos to a T!
Oh and by the way, to the chick that said her toddler is not like this. They are right, your kid is a robot ;)
This was HILARIOUS! My son (who will be 2 in Feb) will wake up totally soaked sometimes, and his pajama pants are wet. And he'll be saying "Wet! Wet!" So then I take off his pants and he starts yelling "My pants!!!! MY PANTS!!!!!!!"
My little one is the SAME way, hollers at me to change him then freaks out when I take his clothes off! Too funny ;)
I laughed so hard I almost suffocated.
laughed so hard i cried. this is my two year old to a T!!!!
thank you. so timely. and hilarious. and exactly what i need to share with every other parent i know.
This is BS two year olds are so much smarter than this mine is poddy trained and doesn't do any of this maybe one or two but the others are jst dumb its like u all are making fun of your children. Well news flash they know exactly what your saying and they know what they want and don't want I don't think this is funny at all and I don't think ur two year old would either its an insult
ha ha ha. yeah Jason ;P lmao. better not let your two year old read these "insults". I know you get shit for your typo's but at least you don't write like this lady.
He rounded up in age, it was the later part of still being one years old.
Fuck you Cassie. Your two year olds are robots.
What exactly is being 'poddy' trained? And holy run-on sentence Batman.
….coming from someone who cant spell "potty".
And good luck trying to teach your kids to read, genius. Poddy? You know there is actually a Y and an O in "you" right? It's not just a letter? That's right: "just" a letter. Grow a sense of humor. And a spell check. And possibly some punctuation.
spelling! – it's POTTY – not PODDY – sharpen up for your kid's sake
There is no insult intended here. It's just funny. Yes, my 2 year old was potty trained too, but unless they are zoning out in front of the tv, they are busy. This is literally how a 2 year olds brain works. He just interpreted his version. You get that right?
Yeah everyone else said it, but I can't get over it, so I'll say it…LOL really?! your kid is poDDy trained? that must be impressive, I don't think my daughter has any intention of ever being poDDy trained….then again her parents can spell;) Secondly, how long did it take you to beat your kids into that kind of submission, honestly? My daughter just turned 9 months old and this is ALREADY my life, she's nuts, and guess what? (Keep in mind, this is YOUR "news flash":D) I let her. That's what kids do. She's out of her little freakin mind and every second of her mindless, crazy exploration adventure is good for her and completely hilarious. Ok…the baby powder all over the changing room (which, FYI, is my CLOSET!) wasn't so funny when it happened, but still! I laugh now!
Learn how to spell and punctuate! Someone might take you seriously for a change. Kids are ALIVE! Mine is 14 and she's still like this. We have a GREAT time!!! Brought back many hilarious memories!
This shit is the shit
OMG!! This is hilarious … reminds me of when my boys were that age … Ya gotta like those terrible twos!
This is HILARIOUS! I also find it ironic that I stumbled across it while doing the "I wanna watch Cars! No! Jungle Junction! NO CARS! TURN IT OFF! JUNGLE JUNCTION!" bit with my two year old.
I just spent 9 days caring for my grandson who is two — Daughter and SIL were in Hawaii. THIS HAD ME CRYING FROM LAUGHING SO DANG HARD! You are very funny….. ( just read your 3 minutes in my head) so make note — I will be one of those reading your blog!
I'd love to see a part two to this.
Hahahhaha the conversation right now mommy more juice juice…..
"You havent touch your food yet so no more,"
"Mommmmmy peas peas peas mor juice," my two year old begs.
When my 4 year-old walked over and asked why I was laughing so hard I tried to share a little moment by reading out loud. By number 8 she wrinkled her nose and walked out without a word!
Oh well!!
I just translated the first 12 emotions into German and put them on my blog, I hope you don't mind.
Oh my this is sooo funny, especially if you have a 2 year old boy like I do!
Hillarious!
With Mommy comments beneath…
1.I want to play with Daddy's phone.
No, you can't play with Daddy's phone.
2.I wanna put on Mommy’s shoes.
Be careful in those shoes, they're on the wrong feet.
3.GET MOMMY’S SHOES OFF MY FEET NOW!
Are you going to walk funny when you get older because of this?
4.I wanna open and close the thermostat.
Don't touch that! No!
5.I wanna turn on and off the light on the microwave.
Don't touch that! No! Wait, is the microwave exposing you to radiation?
6.Is there anyone here with a phone I haven’t played with yet?
What is the matter?
7.I NEED TO PUSH SOME GODDAMN BUTTONS.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
8.I wanna pick up the cat by its head.
No! Be niiiiice to the kitty.
9.I wanna throw all the toothbrushes in the sink.
Well at least you put the toothbrushes in the sink and not in the toilet like last time.
10.HOLY SHIT I’M STARVING.
Geezes, what the hell's wrong with you? Oh, here…
11.CHEDDAR BUNNIES.
I am a bad mother for feeding you cheddar bunnies for lunch.
12.I HATE FRUIT.
I can be redeemed if I can get you to eat some banana.
13.I want out of my chair.
Okay! Okay! Do you want down? Geezuz.
14.I wanna play with the iPad.
Nooooo you CANNOT play with the iPad. I don't know why your Dad got that damn thing ayway. And why did he leave it out where you can get it?
15.I wanna go outside. No, I wanna turn the heat on.
No, you can't go outside without your shoes on. Don't touch that!
16.I wanna take my pants off.
Why are you taking your pants off?
17.I don’t like the shirt I’m wearing.
Is that shirt itchy?
18.I wanna play with Mommy’s phone.
No! Don't touch mommy's phone!… "Hello?"… Who did you call?
19.I NEED TO PUSH MORE BUTTONS NOW.
STOP SCREAMING!
20.I’m thirsty.
Here. Here's your sippy cup. Stick this in your piehole.
21.No, not for that.
Oh, come on!
22.Yes, perfect, juicebox. I’m gonna squeeze this damn thing all over myself.
Here… but don't squee…. Geezus.
23.Where’s Daddy?
Where is your father?
24.Where’s the cat?
The cat is hiding somewhere. Cats are smart.
25.Where’s Mommy?
How long can I hide in this closet before it's considered abandonedment?
26.SERIOUSLY WHERE’S MOMMY!?
It's so dark and quiet in here. Reminds me of my first apartment.
27.Oh my God I think Mommy left forever.
I'm never coming out.
28.Ok, there’s mommy. I want to play with her phone.
Damnit.
29.Hungry again. Never mind.
What do you want, now?
30.I just remembered not liking these pants. Get them off.
Is your diaper wet?
31.STOP TAKING OFF MY PANTS!
COME HERE!
32.Wow, I’m starving. I want peas but I don’t know how to tell anyone.
Maybe if I stop feeding you, you'll slow down.
33.Finally, peas. I like throwing these.
I'm so glad I cooked these peas so you can throw them on the floor. Thank you.
34.WHY DO I STILL HAVE THESE PANTS ON?
What the hell is wrong with your goddamn pants?
35.Oh look, a new person. I wonder if they have a phone.
A Jehovah's Witness! Get the F&*%$ off my porch!
36.I’m tired.
I'm exhausted.
37.I’M NOT TIRED!
You're sooooo tired.
38.I wanna go for a walk but I don’t wanna go outside.
I thought you wanted to take a walk?
39.No, not inside either!
Just kill me.
40.I need to push some buttons right now.
Here, take my phone.
41.I hate this diaper.
I could buy a new purse if I stopped buying diapers.
42.My eyes itch.
You're rubbing your eyes! YESSSSS!
43.WOW! Is this my toe?
What if you're retarded?
44.STOP TRYING TO TAKE MY PANTS OFF!
Maybe we'll start potty training today!
45.I hate these pants.
Are all kids like this or is it just YOU?
46.This shirt itches.
Are you tired?
47.I’m tired.
I think you're tired.
48.Stop asking me if I’m tired.
Oooh, maybe I'll take a nap when you nap!
49.Where’s that toy that goes beep?
That mother f&*^%$ing toy is going to Goodwill today!
50.I wanna take a bath in my clothes.
I need a massage.
51.Put on my favorite song.
How about we play a song that doesn't make me homicidal?
52.Where’s the cat?
Where's the nanny?
53.What is UP with my shirt?
I hate those rich bitches who have nannies.
54.Did I just hear a dog bark?
Is that mother f*&^%$ing Jehovahs Witness back again?
55.YOU DID NOT JUST TRY TO TAKE OFF MY SHIRT AGAIN!
I thought you wanted to take a bath!?!?
56.I wanna see a dog.
I hope that dog is eating the Witnesses.
57.No, not OUTSIDE! I wanna see a dog inside.
GET YOUR ASS BACK IN THE TUB!
58.Is my penis still there? Good.
It was a penis that caused all this. I HATE your father.
59.I peed.
Don't drink your bathwater! Oh, hell. Drink it. I don't care.
60.I’m bored.
I hate your father.
HILARIOUS…. thank you
Glad you aren't my mom! Your responses are not even funny, they're sad and horrible. The blog post is hilarious, though.
LOVE, love love it, and the mom's responses. My 11 month old is already like this. I'm scaaaared. And anonymous? Seriously? Are you a parent?
I'm pretty sure Anonymous doesn't even know any parents.
Anonymous either isn't a parent, doesn't have parents or is the worst denial possible and completely lying to him/herself.
Anonymous – those responses were almost spot on. You must not be a parent. My little man is only 6 months and I already know he will be like that. Ugh.
Jason and Christina – too funny
Are you kidding? That was funny! I agree with the others–do you even have any kids??
you are so wrong and obviously do not and should never have children. I have a 2 year old and a 3 year old and this is exactly how it feels sometimes, all the time, most of the time, I dunno
Those responses are HILARIOUS!!!!!! The initial blog post is just as funny!
OMG. Were you reading my mind when you answered lol. I have twin boy/girl that are 2!!!
Omg I love mommy responses
The original was hilarious but the mommy responses made it priceless!
Both the original post and your responses had me in tears thanks!
This is a transcript of 3 minutes in my life…
LOVE this!!!! I raised 3 girls… Two are adults. They really do make it past that stage but that was some of the most challenging times in my life!!! LOL Thanks for sharing and love the Mommy Responses.
I don't have kids so I really only got a few chuckles from the original blog post, but as someone who has little patience with children, I really enjoyed the mommy responses! Those would definitely be the things running through my mind. And for the person who had a cow over the mommy comments–dude, chill, she didn't say she was beating the kid. Oh, and learn grammar, punctuation, and how to spell before your kid needs help with homework. You're clearly a dumbass.
OMG this was priceless. I loved the original post, but this was toooooo funny.
I just discovered this blog – at 3:00am – and reading this post dis NOT cure mu insomnia. I laughed so hard that I awakened my husband. Hilarious!! And the commentary from the mother is spot on. Anyone who says otherwise is deluded.
You're my hero!
I'm a young mom and not only is the original statements spot on about my lil man but moms response is spot on as well. Great job! Oh I love the last one I hate your father made me laugh even harder because even though I love my kids dad that is absolutely something that has gone through my mind as I'm picking up my house (or trying to) an I notice how much daddy has helped in the making of the mess. apparently its funny to leave your wife with the kids an a house that looks like a tornado went through it an go hang out with other juvenile males who think its a women's sole duty to be a house wife. cook clean an pamper. anyway gone on long enough. you all can feel free to make fun of my reply. Anyway Christina your my new mommy hero
ok ok, the first one was funny, the one with mommy comments? Now *I* cried and almost peed and may have farted and I'm NOT pregnant:P Too damned funny, there's at least a few I can count and now I have to go take the remote from my daughter cause she figured out how to bite the volume button and fraggle rock should NOT be that loud!
OH!EM!GEE!!!!!! HILARIOUS!!!!!!
This is genius!! So, so funny. I am a 46 yo mom of a 6, 12, and 16 year old…2 boys, one girl (middle, girl). I am so glad I don't have toddlers anymore. As cute and adorable as they were, I would rather have my smelly, zitty "whatever" saying 16 yo any day. I least then I can go to the store alone and leave him with the other two. Anonymous must be one of those "school will break my kid's spirit" parents who "unschool." No fun
hahahahah HILARIOUS!!! This really sounds like a 'mom', hubby & I agree it's so us, well mostly me when the hubs isn't giving me a hand or playing on his ps3 while I'm going nuts with the kids lol anyways, GREAT JOB!!! :D
OH, you just made my day. My co-pant wearing partner works a crazy schedule and after a weekend where he worked all day and overnight Friday, we spent Saturday in the ER (18 month old's ear infection burst the ear drum), he worked Sunday and then Monday he was all day and overnight again. This was pretty much the inside of my head by Tuesday morning.
Ammmmmmazzzzzing!!! I love it!!! Especially the pants off… Pants on sequence. That's my son in a nutshell. :D He's now also developed a morbid hate towards the potty/ diaper changes. If it were up to him he'd stay in the same diaper for life!! Yuuuuck!
I just found you through a friend on Facebook. By about #53, I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.
I have to say that since one of my friends introduce me to your blog, I have to check it everyday. I finally printed this particular one out to put on the fridge.
(Except my 2-year old just took all the paper out of the printer…)
A conversation between my 2-year old and the cat this morning (my interpretation):
Here kitty have my toast. Here kitty have my toast. Here kitty have my toast. Here kitty have my toast.Here kitty have my toast.Here kitty have my toast.Here kitty have my toast.
MOMMY! THE KITTY TOOK MY TOAST!
Repeat….
completely accurate LAUGHED OUT LOUD DURING ALMOST ALL OF THAT!
Oh my gosh! I have a 2 1/2 year old son and I was crying b/c I was laughing so hard. Thank you for the comic relief.
I work in a daycare /preschool. Imagine all these thoughts times 30 or 40 depending on the day!! It's a slice of heaven. Seriously! I love seeing how the development of the children takes place. There are NO MEN in daycare. Men couldn't take it!!
Stereotype much? I'm male, and I worked in daycare (2-3 year olds) for nearly 5 years. Not only could I "take it", I loved it. I eventually became a psychotherapist partly as a result of this experience, but working with adolescents. You think daycare/preschool is something? Try adolescents…and see if you can take it. :)
Bravo, Jeff!
Thanks, Jeff! As a woman, I am SO SICK of other women bashing men!
Thanks Lina,
As a man, it's nice to know that woman who think like you in this regard are out there. There always seems to be a "dude" or a "chick" ready to lay down a gender fence.
I hope all the children you teach don't end up with archaic ideas of gender roles like yours.
Go Andrew!
This was such a reminder and a relief for me. My oldest daughter is the mother of my first grandchild. He turned 2 in April and man! I had forgotten what it takes to be the keeper of a child at this stage of development! We were in Walmart and I had to do the infamous "Toy Snatch" while we were at the checkout counter.
My grandson let loose a scream that sounded like a sonic boom! Of course everyone turned around to give us the "judgment stare" and make ape faces!
LOL!
Thanks for posting this!
This can be a matter near to my heart cheers, exactly where are your speak to particulars even though?
Our 2 year old and yours must be emailing or twittering or whatever the hell it is that kids do these days. Except our little guy has a hard time with personal pronouns, in that he says "you" and "your" when he means "me" and "my" (probably because, you know, that's what he hears when we talk to him). This can range from cute, to confusing, to disgusting ("You did a big caca"), to borderline disturbing ("your penis is getting bigger and bigger and bigger"). The latter example he likes to say while he's sitting on the toilet, but with the bathroom window open so the rest of the apartment building can share in his potty-time fun. One of these days someone is going to overhear that and Daddy will be going away for a looooong time.
My son also did the pronoun reversing thing, starting around age 2. We were not aware of this at the time and thought it was a phase he'd grow out of, but it is actually one of the signs of an autism spectrum disorder. I am not trying to freak you out or to say that your son is necessarily autistic just because of the reversed pronouns, but just wanted you to keep your eyes open since early internvention makes such a huge difference for kids on the spectrum.
Aspie mom is correct….but it’s also a common major stumbling block in learning language.
Omg dude thts awesome! My sons 14 months n it's already like that. Lmao. And I'm due ant day now w my second. Ahhhhh I can't wait. Its gna b times two.
Our kids are 14mos apart(2yrs 6 mo and 1 yr 4 mo)…its not times two, its times 100
My boys are 13 months apart, and I second the x100!
3 minutes inside the head of my 12 year old
1 I'm starving do we have any food?
2 Can I have a burrito?
3 Are you coming to my soccer game?
4 My cleats are so awesome.
5 I better clean my cleats.
6 Do we have any walkie talkies?
7 Why do you blame me for everything?
8 I am starving.
9 Mom, are you going to eat your meatball?
10 Can I have your meatball?
11 I did not watch South Park on your phone.
12 If there is a sleep away camp in South Park, can I go?
13 I got to go poo.
14 I am going to explode if we don't get home soon. I really got to poo.
15 Did you use my manpoo? (manpoo is the shampoo for men you bought me)
16 Can you help me choose clothes?
17 Can you help me with my hair?
18 What's for dinner?
19 I always have salads for lunch at the cafeteria.
20 I need privacy.
21 Can I play on your phone?
22 I need new soccer cleats.
23 My soccer ball is dirty.
24 I will go to college after I win the World Cup.
25 Will you move to Barcelona with me?
26 She is not my girlfriend.
27 I'm just taking this jar of pickles outside for a snack.
28 Mom, why do you have to talk to people?
29
I accidentally hit "submit" at 29 when my 12 year old jumped on me during the Michigan Notre Dame game.
HAHA you nailed it! preteens, can't live with 'em….i think that's the whole saying in their case (oops, bad mommy ;)!!
I LOVE THIS!!!
This could also be the thought process of a 25 yr old drunken male. LOL
:)
True!!!!!
no
WRITE ONE FOR A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!(a girl baby)
LOL (although I have the slight suspicion that it might be more LOL reading than experiencing it as a parent who lives through all the minutes before and after these two)!
smiles,
Franziska
Awesomeo
just read this and feeling entertained.
Thanks…I needed a good laugh! Awesome!
That was goddamn funny.
Try to imagine a goddamn platoon full of them.
This is just the practice run for the teenage years. Teenagers = toddlers with hormone
Today my two-year old came in the bathroom when I was going pee. He looked up pointed and said very loudly, DADDY WEINER!
First time ever, friggin hilarious. then he couldn't wait to flush the toilet for me. Pretty amazing.
Mother to a precocious 14-month-old: dying over here, just dying in the best way. Yes, our days end with a penis check too. Thanks for the laugh,
I don't have kids and I don't want kids. But this made me laugh so hard I almost peed my goddamn panties.
I have a small daycare plus a 23 month old girl who we potty trained this weekend using the (intensely insane) 3 day method. This makes me want to cry and then run all the way to Vegas from Canada. sigh. Very, very astute synopsis. 3 or 4 of these guys at once can be absolutely exhausting.
May I….God is not His name just a reference to. I have no children so this is an eyeopener. Will be checking out the other articles since Jason was compelled to document the thought at the moment. Kudos.
Really hilarious. I was LOLing by #7 and crying by the end. Glad my son isn't the only one. Now we don't have to have him tested.
Viral with fathers too. This was hilarious, and fairly close to my 14 month old's thought processes as well.
Also, feel free to delete that comment if it sounds bitchy. I can't tell. I'm too busy finding a bandaid for my son for his non-existent boo-boo. I sure hope I can find the SpongeBob ones. (You really don't want 3 minutes in _my_ head, that's for sure.)
Liz, yes I do want 3 minutes in your head!!! I have a feeling it would read a little like mine would :)
This is hilarious, thanks. I'm reading it as my 2 yr old son a) pulls the power cord out of the computer, b) plays with refrigerator magnets, c) crawls into the laundry hamper (with clean folded clothes) after just peeing all over himself, and d) yells SUPER KING while throwing himself onto me while I'm typing. Or, you know, 8:50 every morning.
I would just add, kindly, that I'm not at all offended by the god damn in number 7, but please review number 8 for an its/it's error. Your article is way too good to have that mistake. Also, Jersey ftw!
Liz, if it weren't for you, people would think my 2 year old didn't know how to use contractions. Thanks for catching it.
Liz and Jason-
FYI
A common mistake, and one that drives teachers of all levels crazy, is the mix-up between the words "its" and "it's." While the difference may not seem significant to the average writer, using the words correctly can help you appear more intelligent and educated. Many people form first impressions simply by reading someone's writing, so you want your writing to be as accurate as possible.
"Its" is a possessive pronoun, meaning "belonging to it." The confusion arises because if you don't substitute the pronoun "it" for the noun, an apostrophe is used. For example, the bone belonging to the dog is "the dog's bone." The eraser on the pencil is "the pencil's eraser." Both examples use an apostrophe plus an "s" in order to attribute ownership.
However, when a noun is changed to a pronoun, an apostrophe is no longer used. Instead of "a rabbit's cage," you might say "its cage." Instead of "the house's window," you would say "its window." This tends to confuse people who are used to apostrophes denoting possessives. Other examples of the possessive "its" could include the dog burying its bone in its backyard and the table which has its leg broken off and its tablecloth in need of ironing.
Shelley – are you really that anal-retentive that you have to point out the fact that someone wrote "its" instead of "it's"?
This WAS my child at 2. Praise the clouds that everything, when reflecting, is just a phase! Good stuff Yo! :)
Good stuff. You forgot, I WANT TO POUND SOMETHING!!!
Fried gold.
I get that.
that's hysterical. I was reading it aloud to my husband and he said yup sounds just like our daughter – till I got to the very end of course!
This is SO great. Add the equivalent of a can of soda worth of energy in a 2 1/2 year old body (not literally!!) and that's my son….all day, every day. Does it make me look like a bad mommy to look so forward to naptime and bedtime?? I plan on sharing this page with every toddler mom I know!
OMG I was laughing so hard I was crying! This is totally the mind of my 2 year old! Thanks!
This is hysterical… Loved it! :)
And oh so true!
I meant to say, we could ADD projectile vomiting to the list. :)
Love this, and sent this to Soren's parents. He was here visiting, and we could projectile vomiting with no warning–in the car.
My kid (Sylas, not Silas) had an obsession with watching various devices TURN OFF (phones, ipods, etc) at 2 1/2.
Sooo true and very funny. I get to do that times 2 since I have twins :)
this is the BEST – so so true!
Love it! You also forgot – "I wanna hit my sister", "Mummy, she hit me!"
I've never had a son…my daughter's 24…I don't have grandkids yet…but still, sitting alone at my dining table at 2am, I laughed hysterically at this.
And as for the holier-than-thou scolding you got for your language, all I can say is: Christ, I am so goddamn sick of people who think they have some kind of private pipeline to God's thoughts and opinions. Personally, I wouldn't want to worship any entity that didn't find your list hilarious.
My sisters famous quote:
"Whoever said terrible twos never met a 3 year old!"
At 3 -
consciousness is beginning to flow widely … meet it with centeredness, and thwart nothing. when you can
Combined with the will and skill to wreak unholy havoc!
Every age is GREAT in its own way!! Don't be absent for moment. And keep on laughing.
Thanks Jason.
Sorry to confuse- I took this from an earlier comment-
"consciousness is beginning to flow widely … meet it with centeredness, and thwart nothing. when you can"
This is just brilliant!
This is the funniest thing ever. I didn't realize how universal all these thoughts were!! Posted to FB and people are loving it. Well done.
This post has become insanely popular. I'm really happy you've all enjoyed it so much. I would write more, but I have to put batteries in the remote.
Great post! I very much enjoyed reading it.
IM NOT TIRED!
IM NOT TIRED!
IM NOT TIRED!
IM NOT TIRED!
IM NOT TIRED!
IM NOT TIRED!
IM NOT TIRED!
IM NOT TIRED!
IM NOT TIRED!
IM NOT TIRED!
IM NOT TIRED!
IM NOT TIRED!
IM NOT TIRED!
IM NOT TIRED!
IM NOT TIRED!
IM NOT TIRED!
IM NOT TIRED!
IM NOT TIRED!
IM NOT TIRED!
IM NOT TIRED!
and for the last time, which is really never the last time
IM NOT TIRED!
consciousness is beginning to flow widely … meet it with centeredness, and thwart nothing. when you can :-)
I like that… thanks
Hysterical!
I can't stop reading this! I have a 2 year old boy and man is this ever dead-on and damned funny!
That is probably the most accurate and hilarious thing I have ever read in my life. OMG. Don't let uptight religious people try to crash you. They pop up everywhere and
aren't able to cope with people that are different than themselves.
Good response.
I am a Christian and firmly believe Jesus would laugh out loud about this!
I agree, except for the wording of #7, God's last name is NOT DAMN!!!!!
Is his last name Feinstein?
This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. It describes my 22 month old perfectly.
I'm just screwed in about 10 months, aren't I?
I say that, thinking about my sweet & mellow 9 month old…
I had one of those about exactly 10 months ago – now all hell is breaking loose! enjoy it while you can :)
Goddamn that was funny! Sorry just could not help my self. My son is 7 and daughter is 15 mo. And I never knew little girls grab their "wee wee" just as much as little boys! Cheddar bunnies! Lol awesome!
God's last name is not DAMN!!!!!
Since when?
no, it's his middle name!
Ahhh, thank you! I can now explain to everyone else, who either doesn't have a 2 y.o or doesn't remember what it's like, why I think I'm going insane sometimes!
Dana's comment makes me lol. So does your post. Good work!
This started off funny. Sadly, when I hit #7, I was disappointed in your poor choice of words however amusing you may have thought it to be. God's last name is not 'Damn.' The inclusion of your selected phrase did nothing to enhance your meaning. Why do comedians automatically think that cursing (and worse, taking the Lord's name in vain) makes their joke funnier. I urge you to re-read your work omitting the derogatory references to God. You'll find your original meaning doesn't change. However, your audience just might grow.
I cannot believe people take the word damn as an offense
I think it's more the "taking the lord's name in vain" thing. That said, I do agree that it is pretty silly.
Your god may not be everyone's god and there are plenty of gods out there that can damn things.
Youre right, everyones God may not be the same God, BUT we can all still respect the fact that SOME people still have good values in this day in age, and when it comes to MY two year old, we DONT use derogatory words and shes still extremely hilarious without them. Grow up and be respectful and include EVERYONE instead of weeding out those who might get offended a little easier than others.
Well, *I'm* offended at the insinuation that someone who who uses words like "goddamn," which is generally considered innocuous, automatically does not have good values! Do you also believe that someone who doesn't believe in god at all does not have good values (I'll bet you do)? I think it's more important to live a good life, laugh, and teach kids to be honest and kind than to nitpick and worry over words that may or may not offend a small segment of society.
Being respectful does not mean censoring every word that comes out of your mouth to avoid offending the thin-skinned. Not everyone shares your worldview. Grow up. Get over it.
You should probably just get off the internet for good, lock the doors on house from the inside and never come out just to make sure you or your child will never be offended again!
Dana,
Since you urged me, and I truly appreciate being "urged," I've re-read my work very carefully, and made the thought-out decision to leave it as is. One of the primary comedic aspects of this post is that it's written in my voice. Yes, it's my child's thoughts, but through the filter of my brain. I am the one who added goddammit, not him.
I urge you to reconsider your criticism of this post and respect my freedom, as an adult, to use any words I like. I would also urge you to respect my freedom as a parent to let my child say goddammit when I think he's old enough to understand how to use it. In return, I will respect your freedom to be offended by words instead of ideas.
Thank-you for your input.
Jason
Well said, Jason, thanks for that response.
agreed! Also agreed with believing in God does not automatically=good values, nor does not believing in any kind of god make one have no, or bad, values. That's just ridiculous.
This was the funniest thing I have ever read! I have 3 grandkids who are two! Right on the mark! Keep up the great work! :)
Your comment implies that the author chose intentionally to do something anti-religious or that he was trying to offend. That's not at all the case. In fact, this is just the way he (and most Americans) talk. Cursing does make things funnier for a lot of people. Not you, obviously, but your standard for what is offensive is not universal.
This is funny because it reflects someone's real experience, in *their* words, according to *their* values. If you want things that are funny and that don't violate *your* values, *you *should write them. Don't ask other people to write according to your values — that's just laziness.
Well said. Thanks
Jesus Christ, this person's goddamn sensitive!
I've heard that "thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain" really means, "don't go around saying that the Lord agrees with you." In other words, don't use the Lord's name for your own vain purposes.
Makes sense to me.
He's not my "Lord" – goddamn is just another word to me.
Thanks- I almost fell off the chair from laughing! :o)
PERFECT. :)
I love this!
I have a few:
I wonder how far I can shove this up my nose???
How many of these can I fit into my mouth???
MOMMY! The dog has a penis too. (and we have to show every guest who comes over)
LOL! Too Cute… Just add,
I wonder how far I can shove this up my nose…
how many of these can I fit in my mouth…
and,
Look mommy, the dog has a penis too! (and needs to point this out to every guest who comes over!)
Awesomesauce!
Though I'm a little creeped out that you have obviously been spying on our house.
Look! I have two handfuls of PapPap''s hair. Must be about ten in each hand. PapPap needs more hair.
Perfect. But with more of the #25-28 in this house. In fact, Mr. 18mths just got a diaper-spank for pushing the "on-off" button on the cable box while Daddy was watching a movie… And Daddy is the arch-nemesis.
Must admit, I LOL'ed pretty hard. So did the arch-nemesis.
love it! could not stop laughing! just add, "oooo electrical outlet!", "i have to hit something" and "lets do something really dangerous" and it's my 22 mo old!
THE CONSTANT POINTING AT THINGS EVEN THOUGH NOTHING IS THERE!!!
AND I WANNA WATCH TRAIN (THOMAS THE TRAIN) NO CLUES CLUES (BLUE'S CLUES) NO I WANNA WATCH MONKEY (SPACE MONKEYS)
I WANT A CHICKEN BURGER FRIE FRIES TEA ND A COOKIE (MC DONALD'S) THE LIST GOES ON
My son crys when I leave him with him, he says
I'm not coming back…he will cry
Don't leave momma… The last time he cried himself
Asleep and when I came home and tried to wake
He was sleep talking say mommy left him.
I was carrying him out side still sleep talking say it
Over and over untill He wad in his carseat then he woke
Up saying mommy you left me… It made me really sad…
what?
Hahaha!
"I need a bandaid!!" "Where'd my bandaid go?"
Holy perfect. Buttons are in high demand at our house, too. What IS it with buttons?!
Lol I meant left him with dad…
Bahahahaha
Oh my. This brings back memories that are only 3 years old. Only multiply by 2 for me. (Imagine this with twins…. I *might* still have my sanity)
My oldest is almost two and I have 5 month-old twins…oh what I have to look forward to!
this. is. awesome.
now I finally know what my son is thinking.
Cracking up! Spot on. SPOT ON.
Printing this for the fridge (for my mental health on long days like this) & the baby book so that I can explain JUST what my son was like at 17 months old! Perfect!
I saw this on my friend's wall, and it's the funniest thing I've read all week. Nice job! I know all the parents out there can relate.
I wish Daddy's would be excluded from the list above. It would make things so much simpler for us. If there was a parallel list for how Mom's are thinking, I do believe Daddy would be associated with each thought (more in a negative way :)
Perfect. Just add "I want a cracker", "No, not THAT cracker, the identical one four further down the packet", and "where's Daisy?" and that sums up pretty much the entire thought process of my 19 month old daughter.
couldn't be any more accurate.. have a 16 month old boy… who thinks exactly the same way… DADDY also is no different.. same thinking pattern…. HELP!!!
I think my favorite by far was number 58!! My son is only 16 months old and as soon as his diaper comes off he plops onto his bum and takes a good long look and grab before moving on to play….lol
That is my life with my 2 year old twins
Add
I wanna ride the bus
No that bus. I wanna that ride the other one
Mommy ride Train. I wanna ride the train.
No bus not choo-choo
No I want Gordon where's Thomas I wanna the blue train meaning res
I think there should be 10 more steps with saying Mommy for no reason….
mommy
mommy
mommy
What?
MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY
That is absolutely awesome! It doesn't change too much for 4yo's either, only with additional "lego" steps thrown in.
Very cute. I forwarded the link to my mommy group on Facebook.
This made me laugh so hard I cried! Because it is so true.
Wickedly funny and eerily accurate. Loved it. #8 made me spit out my wine. You're forgiven.
Very accurate. Toddlers are so damned indignant.
I love it!
and the tv show has a name but its not the real name and you'll never be able to google it.
Very funny!
Jason, this is hilarious!! My husband and I have a 1-yr-old and were dying laughing out loud as we read this. I shared it with our readers on MommyBeta and suggested folks check out this entire post. I'm still laughing…
For the love of God, why won't you get that boy some comfortable clothes.
Truly great piece.
ok. i've not read this for like the sixth time and i'm still laughing so hard i'm crying. and i agree, you could exchange "two year old" with "husband"… oh. my. gawd. friggin' funniest thing i've read in a long long time. oh geeze, thanks for this. beautiful. sharing with everyone i know. peace.
hilarious!
I have to add for my son who walks into our house from anywhere and says…
"I want to be in my nermal(means normal) size(state) and strips off his clothes all except his undies?" such a boy!
Seriously hilarious! And oh so true! I'm dealing with my second 2 year old these days. Thankfully I can give him a book and that actually will hold his attention for at least 5 minutes!
Holy Schniekies- been there and done that with 2 of them! I just about shot coffee out of my nose, I laughed so hard. Seriously, thanks.
Oww, laughed so hard it hurts. I could only read 3 or 4 at a time so I could catch my breath. I have a 2.5 year old so I've "seen" all these buzz through her adorable batty head, and a few more, but you did a great job. Enjoy your difficult and awesome day!
Hi from Twitter:
This was *very* funny. Thank you for the laugh. (-:
The scary thing is that Moms start thinking like that (and I guess Dad's too, huh?) after spending too much time with a 2 year old. But what do I know, my daughter is 3 now so she can actually voice all that goes on in her head and I'm telling you…some of that stuff ain't pretty. What do you mean? Well, today she came into the house carrying her swimsuit and nekkid and said "I peed in the backyard like Chloe (our dog) does"
Sigh…good times.
Thanks Stephanie. That's high praise
I have a 2 year old.. Hysterical. I haven't laughed out loud at something I've read since "Me Talk Pretty One Day"—and that was seven years ago! You've really set the bar high for yourself.
Oh, meant to add:
I want to watch THAT show!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not THAT show!
I want to watch THAT show, no, that show, no that other show, oh wait, THAT show…
That's my son with the sprout channel but he calls it pout!!! Im tired of chika, kipper,and the goodnight show
Seriously, what's up with Sprout and all the reruns. 40+ years of Sesame Street, yet all they ever play are a handful of episodes from like 2003.
This may be the BEST question ever! We watch it on PBS or Sprout OnDemand and I swear since we started letting my son watch it a year ago, we've only seen 20-25 episodes.
OMG, So funny! I laughed, then I had to read the entire thing to my 13yo. I told her it was pretty damned accurate (we also have a 2yo).
Seriously hilarious man!
You could almost interchange "inside the head of my 2 year old" with "inside the head of my husband".
not threatening, i swear. you hit the nail on the head with this post! also
also, pants.
I just keep rereading this and laughing more. Thanks!
You forgot — I want the remote
This is amazing. I can't stop laughing.
That feels threatening.
you are now viral with the Mothers. congratulations.
I would add here, that the writer used the word "goddamn" in a humorous article. That does not mean that he uses the word at home with his children.
I don't believe in God, so keep the damnation coming!
lol