Each of these “emotions” lasts about 3 seconds.
- I wanna play with Daddy’s phone.
- I wanna put on Mommy’s shoes.
- GET MOMMY’S SHOES OFF MY FEET NOW!
- I wanna open and close the thermostat.
- I wanna turn on and off the light on the microwave.
- Is there anyone here with a phone I haven’t played with yet?
- I NEED TO PUSH SOME GODDAMN BUTTONS.
- I wanna pick up the cat by its head.
- I wanna throw all the toothbrushes in the sink.
- HOLY SHIT I’M STARVING.
- CHEDDAR BUNNIES.
- I HATE FRUIT.
- I want out of my chair.
- I wanna play with the iPad.
- I wanna go outside. No, I wanna turn the heat on.
- I wanna take my pants off.
- I don’t like the shirt I’m wearing.
- I wanna play with Mommy’s phone.
- I NEED TO PUSH MORE BUTTONS NOW.
- I’m thirsty.
- No, not for that.
- Yes, perfect, juicebox. I’m gonna squeeze this damn thing all over myself.
- Where’s Daddy?
- Where’s the cat?
- Where’s Mommy?
- SERIOUSLY WHERE’S MOMMY!?
- Oh my God I think Mommy left forever.
- Ok, there’s mommy. I want to play with her phone.
- Hungry again. Never mind.
- I just remembered not liking these pants. Get them off.
- STOP TAKING OFF MY PANTS!
- Wow, I’m starving. I want peas but I don’t know how to tell anyone.
- Finally, peas. I like throwing these.
- WHY DO I STILL HAVE THESE PANTS ON?
- Oh look, a new person. I wonder if they have a phone.
- I’m tired.
- I’M NOT TIRED!
- I wanna go for a walk but I don’t wanna go outside.
- No, not inside either!
- I need to push some buttons right now.
- I hate this diaper.
- My eyes itch.
- WOW! Is this my toe?
- STOP TRYING TO TAKE MY PANTS OFF!
- I hate these pants.
- This shirt itches.
- I’m tired.
- Stop asking me if I’m tired.
- Where’s that toy that goes beep?
- I wanna take a bath in my clothes.
- Put on my favorite song.
- Where’s the cat?
- What is UP with my shirt?
- Did I just hear a dog bark?
- YOU DID NOT JUST TRY TO TAKE OFF MY SHIRT AGAIN!
- I wanna see a dog.
- No, not OUTSIDE! I wanna see a dog inside.
- Is my penis still there? Good.
- I peed.
- I’m bored.
Repeat.
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My toddler talks. A lot. The last 3 minutes preceding lunch for my 2.5 and 1.5 year old went as follows:
I wanna be a jack-in-the-box.
I’m hungry.
I want a quesadilla.
I want to eat at the little table outside.
No, I wanna do bubbles.
Eat outside.
I’m cold.
Take my sweater off.
Eat inside at big table mommy.
Quesadilla!
I don’t wanna wash my hands.
My tummy hurts.
Wanna watch Polar Express.
Not SOAP!
My SWEATER!
No, I wanna eat at the big table.
I like the orange plate.
I want the orange one.
And Polar Express.
Polar Express mommy.
I want the orange one.
I want the orange one.
Lily needs an orange one too.
I need an apple to eat my quesadilla.
The orange one!
I hate these socks.
But my socks DO go on the table.
Lily needs her milk mommy.
I need my milk.
Now that they are quietly eating their quesadillas, watching Polar Express, I decided to come back to this post so I could have a laugh and regain enough sanity to make it until nap time.
OMG LMFAO. I literally am laughing so hard I am crying right now! You have captured the pure genius of living in the moment as a 2 year old. Thanks for sharing!
HA! My fav is: “Wow! Is this my toe?” Love it.
I am 26 and this is STILL me. (There may be a touch of ADD going on here.) Mom hopes I will “grow up” with my nephew. I think she sets her goals of me too high.
Laugh til I cried. In my office. Luckily I didn’t wear mascara today.
OMG I was laughing so hard I almost felt off my chair! hahaha this sounds exactly like my 2 year old son!! Brilliant , loving it! definitely forwarding many of these posts to daddy! lol XD
Love the blog post and the mommy post. Pretty much have thought and said everyone of the mommy comments. I have 2 1/2 y.o. b/g twins and this is an every day occurrance for us. Thanks for the laughs!
Brilliant. Are you sure this isn’t a seventh-grader, though?
what do you mean 2 year old, i know kids of all ages that do these tyoe of things,, some of these things i can’t even see a 2 year old doing, but you never know now a of days,, but i sure can and have experienced these things with my own and my grandchildren
HA! If you are at work, you can’t blame that fart on anyone!
I just found this today and am laughing my ass off. I have a 10 month old son and this is where we are headed already! Oh god what will my mental state be by the time he actually hits two ?!!!
I just came across this site for the first time today and I swear my 2 yr old either read this over my shoulder or read my mind because she has been trying to top these all day. She had some stuffed animals that were watching her take a bath and just “decided” to join her! They keep jumping in and out too, the whole bathroom is soaked! Not looking forward to my 10mo old twins doing this stuff too!
My son is 21 months and I am 33 pregnant weeks with another boy. Nobody should be this funny. I cried, peed and farted I laughed so hard. Thanks pal.
My daughter is 5 months old, my son is 2.5 years old…and I just about cried, peed and farted because I laughed so hard….and I’m at work!
“I just about cried, peed and farted because I laughed so hard….and I’m at work!”
Me too!
HA! and if you are at work you can’t blame that fart on anyone!!
Lmfao! Between reading the above article and your comment an watching my 19 month old pick up a cell phone and run off with it has made my day completely! I’m.also pregnant due Feb and if I hadn’t of just emptied my blatter I would of peed myself. Lol Thx for your honesty too!
Today was the first day my son screamed his head off at me while he had a death grip on my phone as I tried to pry his Kix soaked fingers off the damn thing. What a friggin psycho! oh, and the farting while reading was no joke, I was laughing and it just kept going and going…being pregnant can be disgusting
I don’t even have a kid but you made me laugh out loud. Thanks!!!
The original post and “mommy” comments were spot on. If you are a parent, you can just laugh and understand how much sense this makes and how you feel on a daily basis. Some people don’t have any sense of humor, there is a reason the person put their comment as “anonymous”. Really???!!
I seriously just laughed so hard, I’m crying. Because it’s so true!!
This was HILARIOUS!!! I have a 3 1/2 yr old son, a 2 yr old daughter and a 10M old daughter. This describes my busy, adventurous, strong willed kiddos to a T!
Oh and by the way, to the chick that said her toddler is not like this. They are right, your kid is a robot
This was HILARIOUS! My son (who will be 2 in Feb) will wake up totally soaked sometimes, and his pajama pants are wet. And he’ll be saying “Wet! Wet!” So then I take off his pants and he starts yelling “My pants!!!! MY PANTS!!!!!!!”
My little one is the SAME way, hollers at me to change him then freaks out when I take his clothes off! Too funny
I laughed so hard I almost suffocated.
laughed so hard i cried. this is my two year old to a T!!!!
thank you. so timely. and hilarious. and exactly what i need to share with every other parent i know.
This is BS two year olds are so much smarter than this mine is poddy trained and doesn’t do any of this maybe one or two but the others are jst dumb its like u all are making fun of your children. Well news flash they know exactly what your saying and they know what they want and don’t want I don’t think this is funny at all and I don’t think ur two year old would either its an insult
ha ha ha. yeah Jason ;P lmao. better not let your two year old read these “insults”. I know you get shit for your typo’s but at least you don’t write like this lady.
He rounded up in age, it was the later part of still being one years old.
Fuck you Cassie. Your two year olds are robots.
What exactly is being ‘poddy’ trained? And holy run-on sentence Batman.
….coming from someone who cant spell “potty”.
And good luck trying to teach your kids to read, genius. Poddy? You know there is actually a Y and an O in “you” right? It’s not just a letter? That’s right: “just” a letter. Grow a sense of humor. And a spell check. And possibly some punctuation.
spelling! – it’s POTTY – not PODDY – sharpen up for your kid’s sake
There is no insult intended here. It’s just funny. Yes, my 2 year old was potty trained too, but unless they are zoning out in front of the tv, they are busy. This is literally how a 2 year olds brain works. He just interpreted his version. You get that right?
Yeah everyone else said it, but I can’t get over it, so I’ll say it…LOL really?! your kid is poDDy trained? that must be impressive, I don’t think my daughter has any intention of ever being poDDy trained….then again her parents can spell;) Secondly, how long did it take you to beat your kids into that kind of submission, honestly? My daughter just turned 9 months old and this is ALREADY my life, she’s nuts, and guess what? (Keep in mind, this is YOUR “news flash”:D) I let her. That’s what kids do. She’s out of her little freakin mind and every second of her mindless, crazy exploration adventure is good for her and completely hilarious. Ok…the baby powder all over the changing room (which, FYI, is my CLOSET!) wasn’t so funny when it happened, but still! I laugh now!
This shit is the shit
OMG!! This is hilarious … reminds me of when my boys were that age … Ya gotta like those terrible twos!
This is HILARIOUS! I also find it ironic that I stumbled across it while doing the “I wanna watch Cars! No! Jungle Junction! NO CARS! TURN IT OFF! JUNGLE JUNCTION!” bit with my two year old.
I just spent 9 days caring for my grandson who is two — Daughter and SIL were in Hawaii. THIS HAD ME CRYING FROM LAUGHING SO DANG HARD! You are very funny….. ( just read your 3 minutes in my head) so make note — I will be one of those reading your blog!
I’d love to see a part two to this.
Hahahhaha the conversation right now mommy more juice juice…..
“You havent touch your food yet so no more,”
“Mommmmmy peas peas peas mor juice,” my two year old begs.
When my 4 year-old walked over and asked why I was laughing so hard I tried to share a little moment by reading out loud. By number 8 she wrinkled her nose and walked out without a word!
Oh well!!
I just translated the first 12 emotions into German and put them on my blog, I hope you don’t mind.
Oh my this is sooo funny, especially if you have a 2 year old boy like I do!
Hillarious!
With Mommy comments beneath…
1.I want to play with Daddy’s phone.
No, you can’t play with Daddy’s phone.
2.I wanna put on Mommy’s shoes.
Be careful in those shoes, they’re on the wrong feet.
3.GET MOMMY’S SHOES OFF MY FEET NOW!
Are you going to walk funny when you get older because of this?
4.I wanna open and close the thermostat.
Don’t touch that! No!
5.I wanna turn on and off the light on the microwave.
Don’t touch that! No! Wait, is the microwave exposing you to radiation?
6.Is there anyone here with a phone I haven’t played with yet?
What is the matter?
7.I NEED TO PUSH SOME GODDAMN BUTTONS.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
8.I wanna pick up the cat by its head.
No! Be niiiiice to the kitty.
9.I wanna throw all the toothbrushes in the sink.
Well at least you put the toothbrushes in the sink and not in the toilet like last time.
10.HOLY SHIT I’M STARVING.
Geezes, what the hell’s wrong with you? Oh, here…
11.CHEDDAR BUNNIES.
I am a bad mother for feeding you cheddar bunnies for lunch.
12.I HATE FRUIT.
I can be redeemed if I can get you to eat some banana.
13.I want out of my chair.
Okay! Okay! Do you want down? Geezuz.
14.I wanna play with the iPad.
Nooooo you CANNOT play with the iPad. I don’t know why your Dad got that damn thing ayway. And why did he leave it out where you can get it?
15.I wanna go outside. No, I wanna turn the heat on.
No, you can’t go outside without your shoes on. Don’t touch that!
16.I wanna take my pants off.
Why are you taking your pants off?
17.I don’t like the shirt I’m wearing.
Is that shirt itchy?
18.I wanna play with Mommy’s phone.
No! Don’t touch mommy’s phone!… “Hello?”… Who did you call?
19.I NEED TO PUSH MORE BUTTONS NOW.
STOP SCREAMING!
20.I’m thirsty.
Here. Here’s your sippy cup. Stick this in your piehole.
21.No, not for that.
Oh, come on!
22.Yes, perfect, juicebox. I’m gonna squeeze this damn thing all over myself.
Here… but don’t squee…. Geezus.
23.Where’s Daddy?
Where is your father?
24.Where’s the cat?
The cat is hiding somewhere. Cats are smart.
25.Where’s Mommy?
How long can I hide in this closet before it’s considered abandonedment?
26.SERIOUSLY WHERE’S MOMMY!?
It’s so dark and quiet in here. Reminds me of my first apartment.
27.Oh my God I think Mommy left forever.
I’m never coming out.
28.Ok, there’s mommy. I want to play with her phone.
Damnit.
29.Hungry again. Never mind.
What do you want, now?
30.I just remembered not liking these pants. Get them off.
Is your diaper wet?
31.STOP TAKING OFF MY PANTS!
COME HERE!
32.Wow, I’m starving. I want peas but I don’t know how to tell anyone.
Maybe if I stop feeding you, you’ll slow down.
33.Finally, peas. I like throwing these.
I’m so glad I cooked these peas so you can throw them on the floor. Thank you.
34.WHY DO I STILL HAVE THESE PANTS ON?
What the hell is wrong with your goddamn pants?
35.Oh look, a new person. I wonder if they have a phone.
A Jehovah’s Witness! Get the F&*%$ off my porch!
36.I’m tired.
I’m exhausted.
37.I’M NOT TIRED!
You’re sooooo tired.
38.I wanna go for a walk but I don’t wanna go outside.
I thought you wanted to take a walk?
39.No, not inside either!
Just kill me.
40.I need to push some buttons right now.
Here, take my phone.
41.I hate this diaper.
I could buy a new purse if I stopped buying diapers.
42.My eyes itch.
You’re rubbing your eyes! YESSSSS!
43.WOW! Is this my toe?
What if you’re retarded?
44.STOP TRYING TO TAKE MY PANTS OFF!
Maybe we’ll start potty training today!
45.I hate these pants.
Are all kids like this or is it just YOU?
46.This shirt itches.
Are you tired?
47.I’m tired.
I think you’re tired.
48.Stop asking me if I’m tired.
Oooh, maybe I’ll take a nap when you nap!
49.Where’s that toy that goes beep?
That mother f&*^%$ing toy is going to Goodwill today!
50.I wanna take a bath in my clothes.
I need a massage.
51.Put on my favorite song.
How about we play a song that doesn’t make me homicidal?
52.Where’s the cat?
Where’s the nanny?
53.What is UP with my shirt?
I hate those rich bitches who have nannies.
54.Did I just hear a dog bark?
Is that mother f*&^%$ing Jehovahs Witness back again?
55.YOU DID NOT JUST TRY TO TAKE OFF MY SHIRT AGAIN!
I thought you wanted to take a bath!?!?
56.I wanna see a dog.
I hope that dog is eating the Witnesses.
57.No, not OUTSIDE! I wanna see a dog inside.
GET YOUR ASS BACK IN THE TUB!
58.Is my penis still there? Good.
It was a penis that caused all this. I HATE your father.
59.I peed.
Don’t drink your bathwater! Oh, hell. Drink it. I don’t care.
60.I’m bored.
I hate your father.
HILARIOUS…. thank you
Glad you aren’t my mom! Your responses are not even funny, they’re sad and horrible. The blog post is hilarious, though.
LOVE, love love it, and the mom’s responses. My 11 month old is already like this. I’m scaaaared. And anonymous? Seriously? Are you a parent?
I’m pretty sure Anonymous doesn’t even know any parents.
Anonymous either isn’t a parent, doesn’t have parents or is the worst denial possible and completely lying to him/herself.
Anonymous – those responses were almost spot on. You must not be a parent. My little man is only 6 months and I already know he will be like that. Ugh.
Jason and Christina – too funny
Are you kidding? That was funny! I agree with the others–do you even have any kids??
you are so wrong and obviously do not and should never have children. I have a 2 year old and a 3 year old and this is exactly how it feels sometimes, all the time, most of the time, I dunno
Those responses are HILARIOUS!!!!!! The initial blog post is just as funny!
OMG. Were you reading my mind when you answered lol. I have twin boy/girl that are 2!!!
Omg I love mommy responses
The original was hilarious but the mommy responses made it priceless!
Both the original post and your responses had me in tears thanks!
This is a transcript of 3 minutes in my life…
LOVE this!!!! I raised 3 girls… Two are adults. They really do make it past that stage but that was some of the most challenging times in my life!!! LOL Thanks for sharing and love the Mommy Responses.
That was perfect! Thanks for making me laugh even harder!
I don’t have kids so I really only got a few chuckles from the original blog post, but as someone who has little patience with children, I really enjoyed the mommy responses! Those would definitely be the things running through my mind. And for the person who had a cow over the mommy comments–dude, chill, she didn’t say she was beating the kid. Oh, and learn grammar, punctuation, and how to spell before your kid needs help with homework. You’re clearly a dumbass.
OMG this was priceless. I loved the original post, but this was toooooo funny.
I just discovered this blog – at 3:00am – and reading this post dis NOT cure mu insomnia. I laughed so hard that I awakened my husband. Hilarious!! And the commentary from the mother is spot on. Anyone who says otherwise is deluded.
You’re my hero!
I’m a young mom and not only is the original statements spot on about my lil man but moms response is spot on as well. Great job! Oh I love the last one I hate your father made me laugh even harder because even though I love my kids dad that is absolutely something that has gone through my mind as I’m picking up my house (or trying to) an I notice how much daddy has helped in the making of the mess. apparently its funny to leave your wife with the kids an a house that looks like a tornado went through it an go hang out with other juvenile males who think its a women’s sole duty to be a house wife. cook clean an pamper. anyway gone on long enough. you all can feel free to make fun of my reply. Anyway Christina your my new mommy hero
ok ok, the first one was funny, the one with mommy comments? Now *I* cried and almost peed and may have farted and I’m NOT pregnant:P Too damned funny, there’s at least a few I can count and now I have to go take the remote from my daughter cause she figured out how to bite the volume button and fraggle rock should NOT be that loud!
This is genius!! So, so funny. I am a 46 yo mom of a 6, 12, and 16 year old…2 boys, one girl (middle, girl). I am so glad I don’t have toddlers anymore. As cute and adorable as they were, I would rather have my smelly, zitty “whatever” saying 16 yo any day. I least then I can go to the store alone and leave him with the other two. Anonymous must be one of those “school will break my kid’s spirit” parents who “unschool.” No fun
hahahahah HILARIOUS!!! This really sounds like a ‘mom’, hubby & I agree it’s so us, well mostly me when the hubs isn’t giving me a hand or playing on his ps3 while I’m going nuts with the kids lol anyways, GREAT JOB!!!
OH, you just made my day. My co-pant wearing partner works a crazy schedule and after a weekend where he worked all day and overnight Friday, we spent Saturday in the ER (18 month old’s ear infection burst the ear drum), he worked Sunday and then Monday he was all day and overnight again. This was pretty much the inside of my head by Tuesday morning.
Ammmmmmazzzzzing!!! I love it!!! Especially the pants off… Pants on sequence. That’s my son in a nutshell.
He’s now also developed a morbid hate towards the potty/ diaper changes. If it were up to him he’d stay in the same diaper for life!! Yuuuuck!
I just found you through a friend on Facebook. By about #53, I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.
I have to say that since one of my friends introduce me to your blog, I have to check it everyday. I finally printed this particular one out to put on the fridge.
(Except my 2-year old just took all the paper out of the printer…)
A conversation between my 2-year old and the cat this morning (my interpretation):
Here kitty have my toast. Here kitty have my toast. Here kitty have my toast. Here kitty have my toast.Here kitty have my toast.Here kitty have my toast.Here kitty have my toast.
MOMMY! THE KITTY TOOK MY TOAST!
Repeat….
completely accurate LAUGHED OUT LOUD DURING ALMOST ALL OF THAT!
Oh my gosh! I have a 2 1/2 year old son and I was crying b/c I was laughing so hard. Thank you for the comic relief.
I work in a daycare /preschool. Imagine all these thoughts times 30 or 40 depending on the day!! It’s a slice of heaven. Seriously! I love seeing how the development of the children takes place. There are NO MEN in daycare. Men couldn’t take it!!
Stereotype much? I’m male, and I worked in daycare (2-3 year olds) for nearly 5 years. Not only could I “take it”, I loved it. I eventually became a psychotherapist partly as a result of this experience, but working with adolescents. You think daycare/preschool is something? Try adolescents…and see if you can take it.
Bravo, Jeff!
Thanks, Jeff! As a woman, I am SO SICK of other women bashing men!
Thanks Lina,
As a man, it’s nice to know that woman who think like you in this regard are out there. There always seems to be a “dude” or a “chick” ready to lay down a gender fence.
LOL my daughters daddy was the ONLY one who could calm her down when she was younger and had colic and reflux, so go ahead and tell me again how men can’t handle it? Sorry your hubby is that worthless:)
I hope all the children you teach don’t end up with archaic ideas of gender roles like yours.
Go Andrew!
This was such a reminder and a relief for me. My oldest daughter is the mother of my first grandchild. He turned 2 in April and man! I had forgotten what it takes to be the keeper of a child at this stage of development! We were in Walmart and I had to do the infamous “Toy Snatch” while we were at the checkout counter.
My grandson let loose a scream that sounded like a sonic boom! Of course everyone turned around to give us the “judgment stare” and make ape faces!
LOL!
Thanks for posting this!
This can be a matter near to my heart cheers, exactly where are your speak to particulars even though?
Our 2 year old and yours must be emailing or twittering or whatever the hell it is that kids do these days. Except our little guy has a hard time with personal pronouns, in that he says “you” and “your” when he means “me” and “my” (probably because, you know, that’s what he hears when we talk to him). This can range from cute, to confusing, to disgusting (“You did a big caca”), to borderline disturbing (“your penis is getting bigger and bigger and bigger”). The latter example he likes to say while he’s sitting on the toilet, but with the bathroom window open so the rest of the apartment building can share in his potty-time fun. One of these days someone is going to overhear that and Daddy will be going away for a looooong time.
My son also did the pronoun reversing thing, starting around age 2. We were not aware of this at the time and thought it was a phase he’d grow out of, but it is actually one of the signs of an autism spectrum disorder. I am not trying to freak you out or to say that your son is necessarily autistic just because of the reversed pronouns, but just wanted you to keep your eyes open since early internvention makes such a huge difference for kids on the spectrum.
Aspie mom is correct….but it’s also a common major stumbling block in learning language.
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