Day 214: The Revolt of 2011

The adults were lucky to make it out alive after an uprising by the CRB (The Children’s Revolution Brigade). That’s what I’m calling the 4 year old attendees of Silas’ party this morning. I could explain to you what happened, but I think it’s best if you see for yourselves. I was only able to document a small portion of what happened before I was knocked down and hogtied.

That’s my Dad screaming “Let them eat cake.” He was terrified . We tried to remain calm, but we all knew we were in the middle of an uprising. You can’t see it here because my camera was confiscated, but shortly after the video stopped, my Mother screamed, “Jesus Mary and Joseph, someone give these children some cake before they kill us all.”

It’s clear if you watch all 13 seconds of the clip that the leader of the CRB is the little girl in the white dress seen toward the end. She took charge like a young Lech Walesa during the Polish Solidarity movement. She has that icy stare that instills confidence in her comrades and fear in her enemies. The more the children chanted their mantra, the more I felt my glass castle cracking. They were getting ready to storm, for they had realized that our only power over them was in their minds.

The images of us huddled in a small dirt cell, being fed only the crusts from the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches they ate right in front of us…. God, it’s haunting. Their short little arms reaching through the bars, their tiny hands smacking our faces and telling us to shut up and eat our scraps.

We tried to do everything for them. We tried to do right by them and give them what they NEEDED, not what they wanted. In the end, with the threat of being dethroned and likely killed, I relented and gave them all cake.  I suppose in the end, I am a nurturing ruler. Let this be a warning to all of you. There is a spectre haunting the world – the spectre of toddler rule. All the powers of the old world have entered into a holy alliance to exorcise this spectre: Parents, Teachers, Men and Women of the cloth. I fear, however, that the toddler heart is simply too strong and it has become an historical innevitablity that they will rule us. Don’t expect them to be kind or gentle. They have waited centuries to wield the foam swords and we should expect for them to do so mightily. Be afraid … it’s the safest thing to be.

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

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