Day 192: Ways that I AM like a dude.

A lot of my posts have been about me not being very dude-ish. That makes me feel like a fraud because in many ways I’m just as manly as the guy sitting next to me in the tattoo parlor wearing a Triumph shirt and farting unapplogetically as his pitbull growls at children outside. I’m not in a tattoo parlor, but if I was, and a guy like that was sitting next to me, I would probably strike up a conversation with him about his phone. “Is that a Droid, Incredible?” “Yea, it’s awesome.”  There it is, I’m in. I’m talking to this dude about dude stuff, making me a dude. So that’s #1 – I like gadgets and can talk to Dave Navarro lookin’ mother fuckers about them all day.

You also might think that when I’m at the gym and a big dude asks me to spot them, I would say something self deprecating and hit the showers. You’d be wrong. Here’s what I say. “Totally, bro, let’s do this.” They usually look at me in a way that makes me feel like they regret asking me, but they don’t kick my ass  … that’s #2.

When a guy comes over to fix a plumbing or electrical problem, I totally hang out and talk shop with them. I know what I’m talking about too. If it’s an electrician, I tell them about the time I got a “Wake up call!” from trying to install a sconce without turning off the circuit breaker. HELLO! If it’s the plumber, I usually ask him something about water filtration systems …  BAM #3.

I don’t wear pink. I DON’T DO IT. You know why? Me = dude. That’s why. I know some guys think, “Hey, I can wear pink because I’m confident in my masculinity.” No you can’t dude. Stop it. the closest I get to pink is green … There’s #4. You need a few more? Here goes.

#5 – My favorite bands are Soundgarden and Pantera. I’m sorry, but can you get more dude than that? I didn’t think so. When your favorite albums are Badmotorfinger and Vulgar Display of Power, that totally negates hypothetically eating chocolate covered pomegranate seeds while watching the Bachelorette.

Some of you might think, “Hey, I know this guy Jason, and there’s no way he likes beef.” Well, you’d be wrong. NOTHING I like better than a steak. Wait, that’s a lie, there is something I like more than steak. WOMEN WHO LOVE STEAK. So there ya go. On the Weber, it’s 4 minutes on one side, 5 on the other. No marinade, just salt. Serve it with more steak and a woman who loves steak. That’s the SIXTH reason I’m a dude.

That’s all anyone needs, right?

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

2 comments On Day 192: Ways that I AM like a dude.

  • Jason

    Why did you make me log in to comment? My wife is annoyed, and when she is annoyed she gets annoying, which really sucks. Will she read this? Yes. Does she know who Mr Dad is? No.

    Is this purely a response to those goat-fuckers? Shit happens man. Just show them your cock and tell them to suck on it or get the fuck out of here.

    • hahahah…. just wanted to make it a little more difficult for the Illinois alumni association to troll my site. You're always welcome here mysterious Mr. Dad …

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