Day 191: Sorry, laces

I want to continue to talk to you good people today about footwear. Not only have I recently caved to the sandal culture, I believe that I’m also completely finished with laces. Do you know how long the average person spends tying their shoes in their lifetime? Probably 17 or 18 days all added up. I’m guessing, or course, but whenever I hear those types of statistics, I’m shocked. So, while I think it’s probably more like 17 or 18 hours, I’m gonna go with days because it feels right.

This hasn’t been a hasty decision. To the contrary, it’s been a slow migration away from the draconian shoes that must be tied to stay on. Let’s call it my slip-on loafer destiny. It’s a bold statement to constantly wear slip-ons and loafers. I’m distinguishing between slip-ons and loafers for reasons I’m not entirely sure I understand. I think “loafers” are more formal than slip-ons. For instance, my 4 pairs of laceless Pumas really shouldn’t be called loafers. Actually, I don’t wear loafers at all. The more I type the word loafer and say it in my head, the more I want to burn a pile of loafers (loafers loafers loafers) while me and a bunch of  animated slip-on shoes stand around drinking wine out of comically gigantic tea cups and laugh at how stupid the loafers look on fire with pennies in their dumb leather coin purse mouths.

So I wear slip-ons now. They’re like a slightly more formal slipper (hence the addition of “-ons). Listen, stop judging, I don’t do anything where laces are required. If someone gets married, or someone dies, I’ll lace-up, but the rest of the 364 days of the year, I’m slipping on shoes. Deal with it. I’m like Phil Collins but instead of jackets, it’s laces (not required).

I’m not alone. Hoards of people are abandoning laces.  If you don’t believe me, check out everybody’s friend Zappos. Do these types of shoes make me look like an off duty tennis pro or professional lifeguard turned island bartender? Yes, they do. Do I have an extra 17 to 18 days of my life to live because I’m not sitting on a stool, ottoman, bus stop bench, or tree stump making a sweet little bow out of the strings in my stupid shoes? Yes, I do. Who wins there? Me.

You understand that I get dressed in the morning without bending down, right? How many people can say that? How many people can say they go straight from slippers to slip-ons. Probably a lot, and most of them are in retirement homes. Frankly, I don’t care, that’s just where I am in my life. My hours/days/years are precious to me.

Let me tell you something else. I’ve nearly eliminated button-down and snap shirts. Do you know how much time the average person spends buttoning and snapping shirts? 17 to 18 days. T-shirts and slip-ons for this guy from now on. You know what else this guy has? A few extra months of doing things other than getting dressed.

Next stop sweat pants. I’m old enough that I don’t have to impress anyone anymore. I can just show up somewhere and instead of people thinking, “That man has some problems” they think, “Oh that’s the dude who’s gonna cure cancer because of the months he saves not assembling his clothes in the A.M.”

Join me in this revolution. Let’s all dress like we’re scooting around a psych ward.

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

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