Day 174: It’s halftime in the battle of the sexes

I’m not a warrior in the battle of the sexes. In fact, I don’t even think men and women are on different sides of the field. My wife and I make decisions together. Sometimes she’s right, sometimes I’m right, and  sometimes we even agree. We fight about stuff, but it’s not because she’s a woman and I’m a man, it’s because we live in the same house and have to agree on how to raise two small boys so they don’t grow up and kill us in our sleep. I’m not bragging about my marriage or my family at all, I’m just telling you upfront that I’m not actively in the battlefield at the moment. My opinions are from the sidelines, so I probably don’t really know how brutal and bloody it is out there.

I KNOW there’s a battle going on though. I see evidence of it anytime there’s a reference to a married guy having a “man cave.” If your wife has pushed you into a sad room where you go to visit the ghosts of your carefree college years, you’ve already lost. Pick up your weapons and let your tired horse take you back to the land of bachelorhood where you can watch SportsCenter all day without some ball n’ chain bitchin’ at you to mow the grass. I know most relationships aren’t like this. In fact, I don’t even know any couples that have this dynamic, but they must exist because companies are advertising to them. That’s how you know if something is real, right?

If your wife is upstairs making all your furniture smell like potpourri while you sequester yourself in the basement on a stinky sectional to watch Porky’s Revenge, you probably shouldn’t have married that woman, and that woman definitely shouldn’t have married you.

Fellas, you had a really good first quarter. You dominated the women. You told them what to do and they did it. In the second quarter, they came back with a vengeance. They’re killin’ you out there. They’re controlling the media and sending you messages that you’re fat nacho-eating football-watching slobs who don’t even know how to run a dishwasher let alone make love to a woman. You need to come on strong in the 3rd quarter if you have any hope of ending this battle in a tie.

Just like the ladies burned their bras in the 60’s and 70’s, it’s time for you to tear down that man cave and stop being ashamed of the ridiculous childlike hobbies you refuse to grow out of. This isn’t college ball anymore, it’s the big leagues.

Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose. Sorry ladies, but I think the men need a little coach Taylor to get them back on track. I think you’ll be happy with the results.

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

5 comments On Day 174: It’s halftime in the battle of the sexes

  • Well said. Who wants to live in a war zone. It's hard enough making a family work and have fun together. I can't imagine having to battle for my right to loaf on top of that.

  • I would have to agree with this 100%

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