Maybe a nutritionist can help me here. This is what I ate yesterday.
8:15am – 1 piece of multigrain toast with butter and 3 cups of coffee.
12:30pm - 1.5 cupcakes, 1 espresso, 1 iced coffee (I think I might drink too much coffee????????).
1:30pm – 2 scribbler colorific popsicles.
2:00pm – I started to brown-out. My legs got weak and I was on the verge of a Victorian era fainting spell. My blood was 75% corn syrup. I needed real food.
2:03pm – a toasted chicken finger sandwich with mayonaisse, 3 heaping spoonfuls of peanut butter and more crackers than I could possibly count. Oh and I had a big glass of water. I felt a little better but I still “took to my bed” for about 20 minutes. Lindsay felt I was over reacting, but my hands were shaking like I unexpectedly won an underserved Oscar.
2:30pm – a handful of jelly belly jellybeans and an O’Douls (making goooooood decisions now).
9:30pm – a medium frozen yogurt with “fruity bears” (a heartfelt apology to all men for that one).
11:15 – a bag of barbecue potato chips and a charleston chew (because sometimes I like to party like a 1920′s hobo).
Basically I spent yesterday eating out of a county jail vending machine. I can’t believe I didn’t develop diabetes. I have no idea what came over me but I ate like a complete asshole. I got home and fell asleep eating more crackers. I’m gonna go in for some precautionary dialysis.
So I woke up today and did what I needed to do to feel healthy again – I went to Whole Foods and stared at the vitamins and colon cleansers while pushing around my whole family in a handicap cart. Here’s a pic of that. You’re welcome.
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