Day 146: Pet Mags for Drug Dealers

If you want the very best illicit drugs, buy them from a man with an exotic pet. I’ve had both kinds of dealers and the ones with snakes, iguanas, parrots and weasels always seem to have the best shit. On occasion, exotic pets can be replaced by black light. I had one dealer on medical disability for schizophrenia whose apartment had only black lights installed – his stuff was also excellent.

I’ve known Pet Smart to be a pretty reputable place in the past. That’s why I was so shocked to see them so blatantly catering to meth/weed dealer pet owners:

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When you order this magazine on Amazon it says “People who bought Ferrets USA, also bought grow lights, tie dye bandanas, EZ Cheese, Sudafed, and sour cream and onion potato chips.”

This particular issue of Ferrets USA (apparently there’s a European version) has a special called “How to train your Ferret in 30 days.” Now when a young college student visits his shady high school dropout dealer, his ferret will be cleaning out his own cage between bong hits and answering the phone.

What the hell are you gonna train a ferret to do? Not kill you? “Hey look, it’s taken him a little bit longer to claw out my eyes! Oh and he’s not quite as interested in eating my baby.”  When a human being is back-stabbing and duplicitous, he’s sometimes called a weasel. Well, a ferret is a kind of weasel, and weasels will pretend to be trained just so they can poke holes in your condoms and hack your Facebook.

To anyone out there who might be thinking about training their weasel (NOT a euphemism for masturbation), I would caution you. I’ve had many run-ins with ferrets, and they often give you the finger behind your back while winking at your girlfriend. They’re like raccoons except instead of garbage, they’re obsessed with ruining your life or killing you, whichever is easiest.

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

2 comments On Day 146: Pet Mags for Drug Dealers

  • Hilarious. The whole thing. Lmao.

  • Now now, ferrets are not weasels. There are more closely related to black bears than any type of weasel! Sure they have needle sharp teeth and claws that could turn your legs into ribbons, but they just want a little love! :P

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