Sarah, our 29 year old babysitter, is friends with MANY Greenpoint hipsters. She walked in this morning and asked me, “Jason, who sings Iron Man.” I of course told her it was Black Sabbath. She said, “I knew it! My friend was convinced it was Iron Maiden.”

Huh? I’m sorry, but that’s just not something you’re allowed to screw up. The only thing that makes me more upset is when people think Asia sang Africa. I basically just go insane and start screaming Toto until everyone walks away whispering “He really thinks it’s Toto, but I’m pretty sure it was Asia”

Now I have a new infuriating mistake people apparently make. Sarah and I had a brief discussion about Iron Maiden during which I said something about Eddie, Iron Maiden’s awesome mascot.

The moment I said “Eddie” she started to freak out. “I knew it. I knew that’s what he was called! One of my friends at dinner thought he was called The Bad Lieutenant.”

I nearly had a fury induced stroke. First off, I don’t want hipsters talking ironically about Iron Maiden at all. I know they don’t actually like the music, they just think it’s funny to pretend like they do and act like the type of person that does. It’s the same reason they drink Pabst – they don’t actually like it, they just think it’s funny to drink it because it’s such a blue collar beer (at least it used to be. Now they’ve basically co-opted it like Penguin sportswear).

Let’s get back to what’s really killing me here. BAD LIEUTENANT? Are you just pulling our random Harvey Keitel characters now? You aren’t even trying! It’s kinda funny if this “kid” was making a joke, but I was assured he wasn’t. If I could meet this young fella I would knock the bowler hat right off his head and spit on his old man shoes. That is not an acceptable mistake in my world, boy.

I’m too young for some hipster to be making fun of a character from my high school days. I’m not gonna lie and say I was a huge Iron Maiden fan. My friends and I used to make fun of Eddie all the time. He’s a goofy, stupid character (sorry scary people). But we made fun of him with full knowledge of what he was and who the people were who worshipped him. We knew this because we shared classes and lockers with dudes who had Eddie posters glued to the inside of their history books. I remember going to Dan Smith’s house and seeing his bedroom completely covered in Eddie stuff (magazine cut outs, figurines, sheets.) Only truly troubled kids really got down with Maiden. The rest of us semi troubled kids were into Zeppelin and Metallica. The good kids listened to Steve Miller.

I guess what I’ve learned is the next time I want to ask my Dad why Joey Bishop was part of the Rat Pack, I’ll just keep my mouth shut.


I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

Site Footer