Day 132: The Dwarves

The show lasted only 15 minutes. I knew I was in for something special when the band ran on the stage an hour late wearing only hockey masks. Have you ever seen a naked man in the hockey mask? Have you ever seen 4 at the same time? I pray you never have to. Most of us were more than a little scared. Those who weren’t were young men who had already died inside. They rushed to the front of the stage where one of them was promptly thumped in the face by a guitar that appeared to already be crusted with blood. That didn’t stop him from continuing to mosh, as the plasma from his nose and forehead along with what I imagined to be an overbearing Christian mother serving as his teen angst fuel. I stood as far away as I could, but it was a tiny venue so “far away” was far too close.  The Dwarves were at the very least black-out drunk and had no interest in doing anything remotely normal.

As they abused their instruments, causing them to sound like panicked animals in the throws of painful deaths, the singer hung from the pipes that ran across the ceiling on the stage. As his fellow band mates continued to play a song that sounded like a terrible boating accident, their front man climbed up into the pipes actively trying to pull them down. At this point, I felt as if the moat separating me from the polar bears had suddenly evaporated. Can I remind you that they were all naked? There was a naked man climbing inside the ceiling as 3 other naked men punished their instruments. It was more of a punk show than a punk rock show. The king dwarf was able to pull the pipe completely down along with much of the sheet rock above the stage. This caused some kind of electrical failure causing their amps fizzle. All you could hear was the drummer who kept playing long enough that we all assumed he had falled into a k-hole. Everyone just stood there and stared at each other. King dwarf then said, “fuck you, goodnight!” The whole thing was 15 minutes long. No one really knew what to do so we all just meandered over to the bar. I was standing next to one of the kids who appeared to have been enjoying the show without any degree of irony. I said to him, “what the hell was that?” He looked at me incredulously and replied, “Dude, that’s what they do. That’s their show.”

The Dwarves must have had the most brilliant booking agent in the history of music.

“Yea, hi, I’d like to book my clients for your room. They’re the Dwarves, man. They play naked and destroy shit like wild animals. The kids love it.”

This post might make you think I didn’t find the whole thing totally awesome. I did, and that’s why I’m blogging about it 17 years later.  I will be immediately incorporating “stage destruction” into my stand-up act.

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

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