Day 92: Eavesdropping @ The Urth Cafe

Oh boy am I in Hollywood right now. I’m sitting at a table next to Patton Oswalt as he goes through his punch-up of some guy’s movie (I just heard him say “ok, so what’s this Wizard’s journey?”) On the other side of me is an Australian dude talking about the details of Jon Hamm’s Madmen contract. And then there’s me, feeling like I work for TMZ.

I’ve only been here 4 days so I could be full of shit, but here’s the 5 types of people I’ve noticed in Hollywood. Each type comes with a gay version and everyone has a small dog.

1. Actors who don’t want to be noticed.

2. “Actors” who desparately want to be noticed.

3. People dressed in suits sitting with another person in a suit who’s taking notes. It’s more boring than it is mysterious or ominous.

4. Homeless people.

5. Young men who are trying to check-out of society but can’t seem to commit. These guys have homeless beards, but are usually wearing a plaid shirt from Bilibong, wandering around buying expensive coffees and looking sad even though they probably aren’t. Sometimes they even have a yoga mat which totally blows their shitty cover.

This last group I’m calling the “Urban Chris McCandless” (UCMc) If you read the book or saw the movie “Into the Wild,” Chris McCandless was the kid who gave away his trust fund, moved to an uninhabited part of Alaska, accidentally ate a poisonous berry and died alone. The UCMc is a little different. He keeps the trust fund, uses it to buy $300 jeans with rips in them and pays for nice ripe acai berries. The UCMc wants all of the cache and wisdom of his namesake without earning it. He drinks PBR, attends free comedy shows and know a lot about podcasts. And yes, even this type comes in a gay version.

Ok, Im distracted. Now Patton is talking about the Wizard’s spells. Instead of punch-up, I think he’s actually writing a comedy about Dungeons and Dragons. It just goes to show, that no matter how awesome we are and how successful we become, there’s something in all of us that wants strangers to know we might be writing a movie about wizards.

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

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