Day 111: If you see me jogging, I’m sorry.

I’m 6’6″ and clearly too tall to jog. I look like I’m trying not to drop groceries while I run. It’s a coordination issue. Centers on NBA teams always look really tired when they run, like they’re lumbering along despite a crippling spine injury. They aren’t tired or injured, they’re in the NBA and in great shape. It’s just that difficult to get all those giant sides of meat to work together. The mere act of moving for us tall people is like conducting an over-staffed flesh orchestra.

Running is for small people. I know this because they are constantly passing me on the street while making adorable bunny noises. Sometimes they run with other little tiny people and have cute little conversations together. How can you talk while running? I could only do that if we were panting Morse code. I can’t even nod to someone when they pass me without fear of hyperventilating. Sometimes I see tiny people finish their run and go into a coffee shop and hang out with other tiny people and have coffee like nothing happened. How can they run a bunch and then just stop off somewhere that doesn’t have a place to lie down? It’s usually a gaggle of small women clad in brightly colored skin tight suits like it’s a social event. “Hey gals, let’s talk about Secret Life of Bees while we have a nice morning run during which none of us breathe heavily.”

On that note, does anyone wanna run with me and make sure I don’t fall down or dislocate a socket somewhere?

The tallest elite marathoner is 6’2″ and even he kinda sucks compared to his shorter peers. I saw a picture of him running in a sea of other runners and it reminded me of this: That’s a picture of Robert Wadlow. He’s the tallest man in history at 8’11”. There are hundreds of images of him, but none show him in any sort of motion. He’s either standing with a look of discomfort or sitting in a chair that’s comically too small for him. I remember at the Ripley’s Believe it or Not museum in Niagara Falls (yes, my family went on classy vacations) there was a short video of him walking and he looked like a marionette controlled by a rookie puppeteer.

What I’m trying to say is, there’s a limit to how tall a human can be and still experience comfort. I’m gonna say that limit is 6’3″. Anyone taller should be getting disability from the government.

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

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