Day 104: Legalize it, I guess.

Pot is legal in California and the potheads are gonna blow it because they can’t be cool for even a second. We were at Venice Beach today which is like an outdoor head shop at this point. It’s difficult to explain a bong to a 3 year old. Every block there was a shirtless bro holding a sign advertising “$40 Kush Dr. Consultation.”

Ok, first of all, if you want all the squares to accept that you can now legally smoke pot, call it marijuana, ESPECIALLY when referring to the “doctors” who are permitted to prescribe it. You have to be responsible and respectable if you want this whole legal pot thing to stick. I know that probably “harshes on your mellow,” but come on, you have to be a little Fonzi about it. I’m not asking much, just put a shirt on, wash your hair, and call them “Green Doctors.” I know you’re super excited, but just PRETEND to be a grown up about it, if only for a few years. They opened the marijuana door just a crack and you drove through it in a glass tank with resin stains on it. It’s embarrassing.

Remember when you were trying to get marijuana legalized and the joyless fat white hairs were telling you that it would cause society to fall apart? Well, you’re proving them right. A green hell has broken loose on the beach in Venice. Hey,  I believe that all lifestyles should be tolerated but I would rather live next to a fundamentalist christian family than next to one dude who’s a little too proud of his ability to buy his kush on the up and up.

No one is running around bragging about how they can legally get vicodin. Pill poppers are using their heads. They know that if they call attention to the fact that they can lie about having arthritis in their back and get a prescription for a pill made entirely of tiny orgasms, someone might get mad that they are enjoying themselves and make it illegal. So, California, take a page out of the W.Virginia oxycontin book, and shut your windows and shut your mouths. But don’t forget that you have “glaucoma.”

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

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