Day 102: Oh, just let my eyeballs burn.

39 years on this planet and I have yet to find a pair of sunglasses that don’t make me look like an asshole (Yes, the post is about sunglasses. Deal with it). There are basically 4 options when it comes to sunglasses: Risky Business, Top Gun, Bounty Hunter and Hey Look At Me I’m Wacky. That’s the decision I always have to make when picking out sunglasses. Do I want to look like a teenager wearing briefs and a dress shirt; a cocky hot dude with a pilot’s license; someone who still wears the Oakleys they had from their mullett days; or a Tom Green type lunatic. I always choose the 4th option because it says, “I ain’t even tryin’ to play this cool game. Not because I can’t, but because I won’t. Take that, society!!” The reality, of course, is that I can’t. Because 1. My face is small, and 2. My eyes are really close together. This makes me look like a toddler who’s put on his mother’s sunglasses, and I’m not living my summers like that.

You have to wear sunglasses in L.A or people look at you like you’re trekking naked around Three Mile Island. Actually, I don’t think people here are worried about your well being, I think they are baffled by why you wouldn’t take the opportunity to don a $200 accessory on your face. I have significant squint wrinkles and look 5 years older than I am because I’m too vain to shade my eyes. How’s that for irony?  Oh, and my ears are uneven by about half an inch, so anytime I put on glasses I look like a drunken Jerry Lewis.

It all seems tragic that someone so average looking with so many recessive genes would be vain enough to let his eye balls burn rather than look like a type of person he doesn’t like, but hey, we all make tough choices in this life. I just chose to spend 45 minutes writing about why I don’t wear sunglasses.

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

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