Day 75: This might be the drugs talking …

There are situational prerequisites for every drug. Different ones require different moods, have unique effects and all result in beautifully different hangovers like little snowflakes of pain and regret. I’m sober now, but here’s my take on the more popular ones as I experienced them.

Before: Uh oh, there are people here.
During: Look who just joined a dart league!
After: Yes, chili sounds good in an omelette. I hope that was a fart.

Before: This is like the Footloose town, totally beat. Let’s combine our allowances and get a bag.
During: I’m vaguely panicked but these sour cream and onion quakers are making it all better. Oh, hey Dad.
After: No, I think I’ll just skip the prom, I’m sorta tired. Hey, what’s depression, exactly?

Before: Ok, let’s plan the entire night very carefully. Lets hang out barefoot on the golf course.
During: Dude, I know. I had no idea I could play piano either!
After: I think I’m going to rearrange my dorm room and vacuum the whole hallway.

Magic Mushrooms:
Before: Wait, who gave you these? Your cousin?
During: Wow, the highway is really far down from here. Why can’t I feel my legs.
After: I can’t believe I’m alive. Never again.

Before: I’m drunk and I don’t know you, but this appears to be a Corvette, so yes, I’ll snort that.
After: I miss my Mom.

Before: Really? You have heroin? That’s weird, but sure, ok.
During: This is oddly boring.
After: I don’t think that was heroin.

Before: No really, my back hurts. No, Advil doesn’t do anything. The pain is a 10 out of 10.
During: This is the first time I’ve ever been happy.
After: Hmm, do I know anyone with bone cancer?

Chrystal Meth
Before: Oh, you have a pet weasel? Yea, cool. I guess.
During: I think I’m using 100% of my brain right now. My tongue feels like it’s on steroids.
After: Ok, that was fun for 25 minutes, but 46 hours? Really? Never again.

Before: So this is your college! Dude, it’s been too long since we’ve hung out. Let’s party.
During: Oh my God, I fucking love washing my hands!
After: Dude, did we buy a litter of kittens last night? Where are they?


I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

1 comments On Day 75: This might be the drugs talking …

  • I was reading your blog from beginning to end (during the boring parts of my j*b) and I was about to give up because it seemed to be mostly about your parenting "style".

    And then I read this.

    Too funny!

    I think I'll continue reading…

Comments are closed.

Site Footer