Froggy

January 26, 2012

I’m not sure who’s more attached to this stuffed animal: the owner or the owner’s parents. Two years ago when we nearly lost Froggy, Lindsay and I were way more panicked than Silas. He sat and watched — slack-jawed — as his mom and dad tore his home apart like [...]

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The Aftermath is a Petri Dish

January 23, 2012

Empty bottles of hand sanitizer are strewn about like shotgun shells on an abandoned battlefield. The hum and clank of our washing machine combined with the syncopated rhythm of cats batting around used paper towel rolls provides some white noise. It’s tranquil here since the influenza agreed to a temporary cease-fire. Retching, [...]

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Don’t You Want Your Own Bowl?

January 20, 2012

I eat cereal after Silas goes to bed. It’s what I do. It’s who I am. It defines me as a person. There’s a three hour difference in our kids’ bed times at the moment. The big guy (Silas) sacks out around 7:30 and his little brother (Arlo) is up [...]

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The Seven Stages of Parenting

January 18, 2012

If these look familiar, it’s because they are also the seven stages of grief. Shock and Denial During this stage, a parent is taken aback when it appears their child isn’t listening. Because they want to believe their child respects them, the parent assumes the child must not have heard [...]

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Big Night Out

January 17, 2012

I wrote this a while ago but could never find a home for it. It lives here now. Hope you enjoy. ********** A year ago our parenting method could have been called, “How to be The Giving Tree.” It wasn’t for the squeamish and we were concerned it might eventually [...]

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Thanks for Coning

January 16, 2012

Around 8am this morning, I received the following cryptic text message from my wife: Cone? Had I agreed the previous night to buy a traffic cone first thing in the morning? Was the text intended for someone else? Maybe she was having a discussion with a friend about the shape [...]

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A Floating Buffet

January 14, 2012

Seven years ago Lindsay and I went on our first and last cruise. We realized the first night we’re not cut from the red white and blue cloth needed to truly enjoy the Mecca of American excess. At a “Get to know your fellow cruisers” dinner, we were seated with [...]

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This Toy Maker is out to Save the World

January 12, 2012

As I understand it, two things can happen this year: The world ends (Mayan prophecy), or everything continues as normal (everyone else’s prophecy). Not a lot of grey area there, but those appear to be the two situations. Keep in mind that I get all my news from magazines at [...]

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Cleanse

January 11, 2012

Waaaaa, I’ve gained weight. But who doesn’t throw on a nice Crisco trenchcoat between the ages of 35 and 39? Meth heads? Good point. Like most modern dudes of my ilk, I’m not doing traditional manly stuff like nation building and wench buying. Back in our heyday, we could get [...]

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Hey, who left this gum here?

January 10, 2012

When an eight year old finds a mysterious gum ball (GBOUKO – “gum ball of unknown origin”) on his dresser, he doesn’t ask questions. He looks around quickly for evidence of foul play, and chews it. Blue was my favorite “flavor,” but given the banality of that particular Sunday afternoon, [...]

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“Coing Coing Coing”

January 9, 2012

Most mornings our kids’ playroom looks like an ancient Roman bank excavated from the ruins of Pompeii. It’s littered with brittle pieces of clay money; some in stacks, others lying broken on the floor. Considering how decrepit they appear, it’s odd that they once had such immense value. If there’s one [...]

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Day 365: Series Finale

January 7, 2012

I recommend listening to Sia’s “Breath Me” while reading this post. Go ahead, click on it. Dramatic, right? I think drama is unavoidable today, since, as a finale, the desire to reflect and tie things up is irresistible. I’m a little nervous and also listening to “Breath Me.” Please keep those things in [...]

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Day 364: The Young Narcissus

January 6, 2012

I would love to see video of myself as a toddler. Maybe it would explain my adult personality. “Oh, look, I’m brooding in the corner while the other kids are playing duck duck goose. I guess it’s just in my DNA to be antisocial.” It would free me from hoping [...]

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Day 363: The Cat Hunter

January 5, 2012

The house cat’s only natural predator is a 2-year old boy. Our feline (Oliver) cannot rest for fear of being sat upon or aggressively preened. He’s subjected to various kinds of aural and physical torture; not for information, but something far more frightening: thrills. Imagine you’ve been taken hostage, and [...]

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Day 362: The Human Pipe Cleaner

January 4, 2012

To avoid mass hysteria, we use an acronym around here. “C.E.C.” stands for Chuck E. Cheese, which if said within earshot of the kids, triggers emotional multi-ball. Silas jumps up and down, yelling “I want to go right now,” while Arlo drifts into a zombie-like state, wandering around chanting “Shoing E Shee … [...]

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Day 361: Regarding Humphrey

January 3, 2012

Yesterday, standing outside Village Coffee, Lindsay reached for my double espresso, took a sip, stared at me, took another sip, stared, smiled, sipped again, and said, “Sorry, I’m totally kibashing [sic] your coffee.” So many things wrong here, and so little time to explore them. The first problem was how she said [...]

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Day 360: A Bittersweet Hillbilly Symphony

January 2, 2012

During a 6:30pm drum circle of skillets and metal lids, Silas (4) found the two most aurally malignant pieces and promptly Sheila E ‘d the shit out of them. I would have walked away, but with Arlo (2) sitting inside the floor-level cabinet keeping his own beat by opening and [...]

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Day 359: A Circus Peanut Through The Nose

January 1, 2012

S.P. Jones’ laugh was raw and childlike, with enough kinetic energy to light a Walmart. He was also a big milk drinker so, for at least 3 years, my daily goal was to make him laugh hard enough that it came out of his nose. The timing of such a feat is [...]

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Day 358: The Sick House

December 31, 2011

Except for my Dad, we all have colds. It’s a big snotty mess over here, and Arlo’s face looks like a 3-day-old glazed doughnut. Lindsay has always been able to ignore sicknesses, and do what has to be done, but my mom and I prefer to wallow in it, snorting [...]

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Day 357: This Punishment is GREAT

December 30, 2011

Arlo (2) won’t stop pressing his body up against the fireplace doors. Last week I wrote that maybe the best solution was to wait until the fire taught him a lesson, but after days of experimenting, it appears the fire doesn’t get hot enough to provide any pain schoolin’. With [...]

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Day 356: A Rare Interview with Charles Elton Cheese

December 29, 2011

Chicago’s alternative jazz clubs in the early 70′s launched the careers of a few male vocalists. Charles Elton Cheese was not among them. When the scene fizzled in ’75, no mainstream bands had any desire for an avante garde scatman. With a gig every night, and more drugs and women [...]

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Day 355: Too Much Hot Sauce

December 28, 2011

We’re so over-fed in this country that pockets of wierdos have started brewing sauces with the sole intention of causing oral and intestinal discomfort. Hot sauce makers compete over who can scare their customers more. It’s a redneck poetry slam where the name with the most alliteration wins. I don’t care how clever [...]

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Day 354: Cut The Bad Guy In Half

December 27, 2011

Now that Silas’ desire to watch Spiderman and Batman has exhausted, and occasionally out-witted, our utopian dream of limiting his exposure to violence, he and his friend have been talking in raspy voices about finding bad guys and “getting them dead.” Usually the method is cutting someone in half with [...]

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Day 353: Is This Your Bag, Sir?

December 26, 2011

I was thirteen years old when I told airport security my dad had a gun. Had it been post 9/11, we might have missed our international flight while a powdery latex glove attached to a GED recipient searched my father’s cavities. He’d accepted a year-long teaching position in Florence, Italy. We invited my best [...]

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Day 352: Now it’s Official

December 25, 2011

Apparently, my entire being oozes “DAD.” I’ve got no problem with that identity; it’s my favorite one yet, but when I received slippers, three coffee mugs, and a “comfy sweater” (among other things) as gifts this morning, my brain sent my body an emergency signal to start wheezing and making [...]

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Day 351: Your Nephew’s first Christmas

December 24, 2011

You’re a single childless guy whose sister had a baby boy 6 months ago and you’re stressed about a Christmas present. You don’t know what babies like, so you end up getting him an Iron Maiden onesie because your brother in law will think it’s funny. You’re trying too hard. [...]

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Day 350: Defend Yourself

December 23, 2011

I was loading the dishwasher and heard Silas (4) in the other room yell, “Arlo’s biting me!” I yelled back, “Fend for yourself. You’re bigger than him.” Should I have run into the room and scolded young Arlo (2) for using his mouth as a weapon? Or was it more [...]

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Day 349: Christmas Present for My Wife

December 22, 2011

I’ve been mildly panicked over the past few days about what to get Lindsay for Christmas. Luckily, this morning, she had a gift epiphany and proclaimed, “I love snakes! You know what? I want a snake for Christmas, but not one that can strangle me or has teeth.” Finally, a [...]

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Day 348: From Arlo to Silas

December 21, 2011

He’s too young to talk much, but my 2 year-old has some things he’d like to communicate to his older brother (4). S, Full disclosure: Dad’s totally typing this. I have to make it quick because I need to get my diaper off and show everyone how awesome I am [...]

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Day 347: Running of the Reindeer

December 20, 2011

Why are there reindeer in my town? I don’t need to see an actual reindeer to feel Christmasy. I especially don’t need to see four of them chillin’ on the grassy knoll across the street from the fro-yo shop. No one wants to be reminded that reindeer are real – [...]

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